Superman reversing earth's magnetic field
By: S. Andrews
First of all I was not aware that Earth’s magnetic field could reverse and now that I have obtained this new found knowledge I think I just pooped myself. However, I can’t really explain why Earth’s magnetic field reverses but I’m pretty sure what causes it is when Superman starts flying around the earth super fast in the opposite direction like in the movie. And that is what causes reversals in Earth’s magnetic field!
Barney and Kermit fight to the death
By: Dickey T
Going green, going green, what in the heck is ‘Going Green’. I used to think ‘Going Green’ was becoming money hungry or vomiting after St. Patrick’s Day, but all these sun loving, recycling fanatics have worn this term out.
The news talks about green homes, green cars, green heating, green energy, blah,blah blah, blah blah. If you drive through the hood you might see a green house, but you will also see a purple house, a teal house, a yellow house and maybe even a bright fuchsia house. So what makes green so special?
All this save the earth by ‘Going Green’ talk has stolen the spot light from Kermit the Frog. I mean he’s actually green, and he lives in the forest. You don’t get much greener than that. These SUV hating hippies should really think about getting Kermit on their side, he could probably pass a bill through congress.
Actually, I am completely wrong! Now that I think about it Kermy wouldn’t help anybody, because he sings “It’s not easy being green.” So listen to the frog you commies, and avoid the green.
I believe the problem here is not the concept, rather it is the color GREEN. Maybe if we changed the color to something like purple things would catch on. Yeah, I like that, go purple.
Kansas City is so confusing
Truth is the area that is known as Kansas City is actually located in Missouri just over the Kansas & Missouri border. What many people don’t know is that Kansas City used to be known as Missouri City and was the popular hangout for Judy Garland and crew during filming of “The Wizard of Oz”. To escape the trenches of movie making, Garland and the rest of the cast would take a short drive over the state line to enjoy a few screwdrivers at the now famous restaurant and bar called “The Flying Monkey”. You talk to any elderly local from present day Kansas City and they’ll tell you all kinds of stories about Ms. Garland and her tirades about the small town. It was said that at one point Garland and the cast came to the restaurant an astonishing 47 days in a row. You could build a house in a week with all those screwdrivers!!!
Anywho, during filming Garland became so attached to “The Flying Monkey” that one night she told the owner she would figure out some way to write his restaurant into the script of the movie. The writers and the producer struggled with how they could conveniently fit a restaurant just off the yellow brick road. It’s strange enough that Dorothy was hanging out with a scarecrow, tin man, and a lion, and it would have just gone overboard if they plopped a restaurant into the story. But, Garland was a woman of her word, and she was determined to keep her promise.
While filming the scene where Dorothy and her stupid, heartless, and scared buddies are pouncing through the poppy fields on their way to the emerald city of Oz, Judy decided to sniff on some poppy flowers in between takes. Judy became so delusional that she ultimately lost her mind and started shouting for help because she thought she was being chased by, you guessed it, flying monkeys. As unfortunate as this episode became, a light bulb went off in the producers mind to script flying monkeys as the evil pet of the Wicked Witch of the West. Such genius, I know……
The film was released 7 months after Ms. Garland’s poppy debacle. The film received rave reviews and was the talk of every town, especially in Missouri City among the regulars at “The Flying Monkey”. The owner of the restaurant was so proud to have been a part of the film and was truly grateful for his friendship with Judy Garland. He was so grateful that he ultimately felt burdened to repay her for being such a faithful friend.
Well, as luck would have it, it turned out the owner’s brother just so happened to be the Governor of Missouri. So, he went to his brother and asked him to rename Missouri City to Kansas City on behalf of Ms. Garland and the cast of “The Wizard of Oz”. When asked, the brother questioned “Why should I name it Kansas City?” Without hesitation, the owner replied “Because in the movie she was from Kansas. Outside of the film, her home was at The Flying Monkey. She said many times that there is no place like home, and I want Ms. Garland to feel as if she were in Kansas every time she visits The Flying Monkey.” The Governor understood the relationship between Ms. Garland and his brother, so he granted the change of name from Missouri City to Kansas City, the second home of Judy Garland and Dorothy.
The Flying Monkey still exists today, and it welcomes Judy Garland and “The Wizard of Oz” fans from all over the world. Their number one selling food item is the Rainbow Burger with the Ruby Red potato wedges. They also sell quite a few Dorothy Dogs and Auntie Em Omelet’s. Undoubtedly, the best selling drink is their Judy Garland Screwdriver, complete with an extra shot of vodka and a poppy seed topping. A couple glasses of this famous Flying Monkey concoction proves there really is “no place like home”……Kansas City to be exact.
By: S. Andrews
Some science nerd from Harvard may tell you that the key to smooth intracellular traffic is due to “membranes inside cells transporting key nutrients around, and through, various cell compartments without sticking to each other or losing their way”. I’ll be the first to tell you that if you hear that answer you scream shenanigans in this dude’s face because he’s obviously giving you a reach around. Look at the question people….it’s asking about intracellular traffic running smoothly, and what makes traffic run more smoothly than traffic lights and stop signs?
The real reason intracellular traffic runs smoothly is because of the very tiny little stop signs located at the mitochondria that allow the ribosomes to cruise on by to the fish taco stand after a quick morning surf. Or the yield signs set up at each nuclear membrane juncture so cytoplasts can get to the nucleus. Last but not least the most important component of smooth intracellular traffic are the little motorcycle cops waiting on the side of the vesicle just waiting for some punk chloroplast to swim by him at mach 10 with its tail on fire. That people is the real reason intracellular traffic runs smoothly not some stupid membrane transporting key nutrients. No wonder why the scientific community sucks. They’re idiots.
By: Rooney
This question has plagued me for quite some time now. I think about all the interesting places for a weekend getaway or a long vacation that people have to choose from – hiking through the Grand Canyon, skiing in the Rocky Mountains, lounging on a beach in the Caribbean, losing your entire life savings in Vegas. So, why in the hell does anyone want to go on an Alaskan cruise?
Last I checked you don’t want to be on a large vessel close to falling ice and mountainous glaciers. Am I right? I think back through history to a particular cruise ship – the S.S. Titanic. What a grand ship she was. The Titanic was the largest and fastest cruise liner of her time, and her creators guaranteed her to be indestructible. But, we all know the fate of the Titanic and how she sank to darkest depths of the ocean thanks to a bumbling piece of ice that rested so elegantly in her sea path. And, since that dreadful accident occurred, you would think that no one would ever want to be around floating glaciers in a boat of any size ever again. It’s just too risky, dammit!
Now, as I lay around after a long day at work and stare at the television before me, I often see advertisements for week long Alaskan cruises and think to myself “Who in their right mind would want to go navigating around Alaskan shores for a week?” I mean, what is so interesting about being on a boat surrounded by snow and ice falling into the water right outside your cabin? That would scare the crap out of me. I would literally run out of underwear in 2 days. But, the ads typically show some old couple in their London Fog jackets cuddling on their balcony suspended over the frigid water laughing and smiling at large chunks of ice “gracefully” falling into the water. I’m here to tell you, there is nothing about that advertisement that makes me want to dial up my travel agent the next morning and book an Alaskan cruise. The only thing that ad makes me want to do is slap old people that take cruises for fun.
My message is this – taking an Alaskan cruise is about as smart as breathing water. Think before you act and plan a trip to somewhere cold and deadly. There are many inviting and exotic locales that will soothe your soul much greater than a cruise through Alaska’s liquid terrain peppered with buried mines of ice. Most importantly, don’t hang out with old people, because you never know what kind of predicament they might get you into. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be paddling around through icy waters in an inflatable raft, would you?
Alaskan Cruises Suck!
By: S. Andrews
First of all any idiot knows that a quasar (pronounced: kwā-zär ) according to Webster.com, is any of a class of celestial objects that resemble stars but whose large redshift and apparent brightness imply extreme distance and huge energy output. Come on man…this is common knowledge that is taught in America’s flourishing public school system.
Before a factual and accurate definition of quasar can be discovered we must first explore the word by dissecting it into two distinct pieces….or parts for the lay person. First we must explore the word qua (pronounced: kwā ) which sounds somewhat similar to the word quatro which in Spanish means four or again for the amateur language artist THE NUMBER 4. Therefore qua in this sense of the word means 4 of something, but exactly what is something?
Next we need to investigate the word sar (pronounced: zär ) which sounds like czar means a Russian King or ruler of Russia not a ruler in Russia that you would use to measure a Russian bear or an AK-47 machine gun but a person who is control of Russia….you know his majesty the Russian Czar….or “I will do as you wish my Czar (King)”.
Therefore if we combine the two words qua and sar we come up with quasar which means a group of 4 little Russian Kings. Why are they little do you ask? Well little sounds better than just 4 Russian Kings so if you don’t like it than come up with your own post you bastard. To close, quasar is the term used when there are groups of 4 little Russian Kings running around Moscow trying to get the likes of Vladimir Putin and other heads of the Russian Parliament to do as they please. For example quasars have recently lobbied for their country to place them back upon the throne for years. In a recent article of Quasars Weekly – a monthly periodical of ruling instructions for groups of 4 small Russian Kings Nicholas II was quoted as saying (note: Please read with Russian accent) “If that winch Elizabeth from England and her pissy little grandsons William and Harry get all that attention, why can’t we implement the same system here in our great land of Russia…..I will brrrrreak them?”
Watch out for Quasar's
By: Dickey T
From the earliest recorded records to the first STS-1 space launch on April 12, 1981, to current day; people have asked this age old question. Biologists argue that there are microorganisms in some godforsaken distant corner of the universe. Crazy ass religious sects want to jump on the next comet passing by and then there is the lunatic that is always filming a blurry dot off in the distance. You know the ones with the tie dye shirt, long, mangled hair, thick framed glasses, also sporting the cargo shorts and black socks with some 80’s Teva’s. Well all those people are full of crap.
The answer is NO people. There is no shiny fingered, bike flying alien. There are no hot babes from Mars. And there is no huge rotating saucer that is going to probe every orifice of your nether regions. However, there is a Locnesse Monster, and I’ll punch you in the face if you don’t think there is!! Go ahead try me.
by: The Rooney
First of all, what a great question. In fact, this could be the best question ever asked of mankind. But, just like with anything else, someone always comes along to answer the unknown and make sense of the whole thing. That is where I come in…..
To begin, it is important to note that male chickens are often referred to as roosters and, more ironically, as cocks. Therefore, this question becomes quite simple really – the chicken came first. You see, the chicken that started it all just so happened to be a male chicken, just like in the beginning of biblical times there was only one man, Adam. However, this chicken would not find himself high-stepping about in the garden of good and evil, but rather in a hot, red barn surrounded by hay and manure. So, here we have the image of a lonely cock pinned up inside a red barn with no friends or rising suns to cock-a-doodle-do at. Unfortunate, I know. But, don’t worry, the tide turns for our little feathered friend.
The chicken, who I like to call Breaston, awoke one early morning to find the “old barn door” opened and swinging about as the wind blew across the open plain. Alas, Breaston’s dream to escape the foul, dark, and dingy old barn he had inhabited since the day his little heart began to beat had finally become a reality. He walked right out of the barn and into the light of day, delighting in the warm sunshine and the crisp breeze that blew under his tail feathers. Immediately, Breaston was blinded by a metal spinning object in the sky – the weathervane. He didn’t know what it was about the weathervane that he found so attractive, but Breaston stood and stared at that weathervane for hours. It was like he found his Mecca, his calling, his purpose for life, and he would stop at no costs until he reached that weathervane. On the 41st night, Breaston stood atop the pitch of the silver tin roof of the old red barn, just steps away from the weathervane that had taunted him for so long. He approached and mounted the weathervane with such ease, as if it were meant to be. The moon was glowing brightly and Breaston knew it was only a matter of hours before his inaugural doodle do could be cocked.
Three hours and fifty two minutes later, Breaston looked to the East and saw the orange-pink glow over the horizon; and then, the first glimpse of that big ball of burning gas. It was the most beautiful thing Breaston had ever seen. Living his whole life cooped up in a dingy barn, Breaston could have never imagined the incredible emotions he was feeling at this moment, and he let out the most curdling, most startling, most glorious doodle do he could summon. Breaston couldn’t stop, he just kept doodling and doodling as the sun rose ever so slowly over the horizon. Just before the sun had fully risen, Breaston quieted for a brief moment to enjoy the beauty before him, and then inhaled for one last yell. As he let his final ode to the new day reign out, Breaston sensed a wave of euphoria race through his little chicken body. He had reached his climax. Breaston christened the weathervane that morning, and then fell off the weathervane to his death. He didn’t accomplish much in his short life, but none will argue that Breaston indeed went out with a bang.
Scientific research suggests that Breaston’s excrement had boiled in the mid summer sun atop the rusty tin roof that day, and rust properties from the roof bonded with the reproductive cells of Breaston’s DNA, thus forming the first batch of eggs – twelve to be exact. So, if anyone ever raises this question around you, just tell them the story of Breaston the chicken. If they’re smart, attentive, understand chemical bonding, and have a sense of humor they’ll understand that the chicken truly came before the egg.
By: Dickey T
Ahhh, nothing is sexier to a woman than a full head of hair, well, unless she’s a money hungry hag. That would make diamonds and rubies the depiction of sexy. Back to the hair, it doesn’t matter if its the shiny, perfectly wavey head of hair or the old hippie rocker ponytail (biker gotee mandatory), there is a woman out there that loves the hair. A man can even have grey, no, white hair and it is looked on as an accomplishment. If a man is 60 and still has a full head of hair, many people will actually consider him “successful.”
However, many men have hair on over 90 percent of their body, yet are missing hair on the top of their think tank. These men are in constant denial of what is happening and resort to comb overs, comb forwards and the whatever I have left old man faux-hawk. I have heard excuses ranging from stress to “I’ve been married to that wench of a wife for 40 years, what do you expect.”
Stress, nor crazy wives steal a mans head of hair. The truth is that it stems from the beginning of mankind’s existance. The answer is short caves. Cavemen learned to stand up straight. Erect walking was suitable for hunting wild game, yet became a headache (literally) for trying walk in dwellings with a 5 foot ceiling. Tall man, plus short ceiling, equals no hair. And there you have it.
by: S. Andrews
Neighboring planets charging earth to much for the refinement of quasars which in turn drove up the cost of production for flux capacitors. Damn those Aliens!!!
By: Dickey T
Sure it does, unless it lives in the zoo, then it craps on cold concrete. Duuhhh. However, there is always an exception. The exception in this case would be the obvious—-Smokey the Bear!
Smokey the Bear doesn’t crap in the woods or on the concrete. Do to his infamy in educating the public on forest fires, Smokey is the wealthiest bear on the planet. Smokey is not only one hell of a spokesman bear, he isthe Hugh Hefner of the bear species. With that said, Smokey the Bear craps on a golden throne, fully equipped with butt-fur dyer. Oh yeah, his pad friggin rocks.
by: S. Andrews
I know what you’re thinking….The G-spot is some magical button (like the Staples ‘That Was Easy Button’) hidden somewhere in the nether regions of a women’s body that when activated causes a woman to succumb to overwhelming, sometimes earth shattering pleasure. However….you are completely wrong my friend. The G-spot is something completely different.
Let me elaborate. The G-Spot is a small little restaurant on the corner of 6th and Compton in South Central L.A. where gangsta’s come to enjoy a quick breakfast or lunch before a full day gangsta
activities, such as drive by shootings, knife fights, the sale of or procurement of narcotics, playing X-box or the ever popular Nintendo Wii, and sex. The G-spot serves a wide variety of breakfast specials like 24-inch dub spinner pancakes with a side of bacon and orange juice, or ‘The Complete Ghetto Breakfast’ which features 2 eggs over “hard”, with hashbrowns or grits, bacon or sausage patties, 2 silver dollar pancakes and either coffee or a soft drink with unlimited refills.
The G-Spot also serves a quick lunch on the go for the Gangsta who has little time to get away for lunch. Call ahead and order the Jive Turkey Bacon Club sandwich with your choice of fries, potato salad, pasta salad, or for the carb conscious Gangsta fruit salad or a side salad with fa shizzle my dizzle dressing. You can also dine in and enjoy our chicken nuggets shaped like your favorite gangsta weapons like brass knuckles, baseball bats, gats and switchblades.
So come on down to the G-Spot where you can enjoy a robust breakfast or lunch while mingleing with fellow Gangsta’s or join in on pleasant conversations about the foo who disrespected you over off Hodges or about the Gangsta lien you’re going to put on that punks car for not paying you back that $20 you lent him last week while shooting dice.
by: S. Andrews
Well hell, if it’s anything like the laser the Empire used on Alderaan in Star Wars then we’re all screwed. I would hope it would be about as powerful as the lasers they used in the GI Joe cartoon series. The ones that the Cobra used made the best sound. A sound that has not been duplicated or depicted in any other laser combat portrayed in today’s Entertainment industry. You go laser beam sound effect!! Click here to see for yourself!
