WHAT IS SO FASCINATING ABOUT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY?

Seriously, what is so fascinating about The Cheesecake Factory? My wife and I stopped in on Valentine’s Day after dinner to grab a slice of cheesecake To-Go and the place was a freaking zoo! First, I had to drop my wife off to run in and get in line because I couldn’t find a parking spot within a half mile of the place. You would have thought Michael Jackson rose up from the dead and was holding a concert inside.

Once I parked and met her inside we waited about 15 minutes at the To-Go area to snag a slice of Chocolate Coconut cheesecake. That’s when I thought I was going to die. I was getting pelted by heart shaped balloons, everyone was fixated on their iPhones and Blackberries, and my precious white Nike’s were being trampled over like a 90 year old woman on crutches during the running of the bulls. Plus, I couldn’t even hear myself think it was so loud in there.

The cheesecake was good, I will give them that. But, the food? Well, the food in my opinion is mediocre at best. Just awful! That’s probably because their menu is bigger than my senior yearbook. How in the world can they serve fresh, halfway decent food when they have to stock a thousand different items daily? They must have an underground fridge the size of the governor’s mansion or something.

Truth is, The Cheesecake Factory is always slammed, and I don’t know why. Personally, I have never been there without having to wait at least than an hour for a table. No way am I going to sit there and wait in the circus lobby for mediocre food. Easily, you would have to plan out 3 hours minimum to eat at this place. Forget that noise!

The only credit I will give The Brutalcake Factory goes to the host and hostesses. They seriously must have some sort of degree in logistics to run that place and get people seated. I would be interested to see what the turn over rate for that position is. There has to be a new crop coming and going every month. Just too much stress to deal with. I know I could only take so much of hundreds of people staring at me every night and getting cranky while they wonder when their buzzer is going to vibrate.

Sad thing is, once the buzzer vibrates all they have to look forward to is thumbing through a novel to decide what’s for dinner and eating a less than average meal.

But, the cheesecake is good.



Is Santa Claus a Republican or a Democrat?

Santa Claus

By: Dickey T

The initial argument here is that Santa Claus is a Republican.  He wears a bright RED suit!  That in itself must prove he is on the Red side. Not to mention he is fat as an elephant.  The elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party.  And lastly, Santa and Rush Limbaugh are roughly the same weight.  That makes three indicators, that he is republican.

On the other hand, Santa does ‘hand out,’ gifts, and giving hand outs is a known trait of the Democrats.   Santa is also the leader over the elves—aahh, sorry—little people.   He is also against Global warming.  If the North Pole melts, Santa and Mrs. Claus are homeless.

HOWEVER…..Santa DOES NOT fly on private jets, (well he kind of does). Santa DOES NOT fly to Argentina to cheat on Mrs. Claus, (well he might, have you seen those female helpers at the mall). Santa DOES NOT give more toys to those who bribe him with oil money, (do cookies count)?  Santa DOES NOT take extremely long vacations why the rest of work hard all year, (he really only works one day a year). Santa DOES NOT surround himself with other men dressed in suits, (back to the elves). Santa DOES NOT put you in debt because of material greed, (presents)! Santa DOES NOT look you in the eye and ask you what you want and then sneak in your back door and give you what he thinks you should have, (wait a second).

HOLY CRAP—Santa is a politician, except he has bridged the divide and is fooling all of us.  Santa isn’t Republican or Democrat. He’s a Dictator of huge proportions!

UPDATE: WHERE IS TIGER WOODS?

(drum roll begins)…

And now, we bring to you the TOP 10 answers to the great question “Where is Tiger Woods?”

Zipping around on the Virgin Galactic Spaceship

Tiger has the cash and Space is an excellent place to get away from it all, so why not be an Astronaut for a few months? I am sure Richard Branson offered Tiger a few months free rent on his super lush private island, Necker, but Tiger said, “nah, I want to orbit around the planet that I dominate.” Despite reports of undergoing sex rehab, Tiger still finds a way to be cocky.

The Sizzler

With a possible divorce settlement worth millions on the horizon, TW is being proactive by testing out some thrifty dining establishments when the time comes to fend for himself. We all know his go-to for breakfast is IHOP, and with a $9.99 Steak and endless salad bar meal deal I believe The Sizzler could take top honors for Dinner. Golden Corral isn’t bad either, but can be hit or miss sometimes.

The Desert of Dubai

Since TW has a golf course project in Dubai, I figure he could be somewhere in the desert of the United Arab Emirates. While offering peace and quiet, the desert also gives TW an opportunity to work on his sand game. Well played, Tiger, you prefectionist S.O.B.!

Overdosed on Ambien

Speculation of Ambien abuse has led me to believe that Tiger may be face down somewhere counting sheep. Or, better yet, maybe the makers of Ambien brought him into the lab for some new product testing? ZZZZZZZZZ…..

Working at Medieval Times

Well, if you have to hide then why not hide behind some flashy chain mail? Plus, you can joust against other Knights, ride horses, and eat some tasty turkey legs afterwards. If I were the King, though, I would keep an eye on the Princess. I hear that Red & Black Knight is quite the renaissance man.

Area 51

You’d be hard pressed to find a more secure, tight lipped locale than Area 51 in Roswell, New Mexico. Tiger has always been touted as being “superhuman”, so maybe this is a home away from home for him?

Haiti

Tiger has always been a giving man, just ask his mistresses. But, when it comes to charity, TW just can’t resist getting involved. It’s very possible that Tiger has traded his riches for some rags and is peddling around Haiti helping pass out food and TigerAde to the earthquake victims.

Remote Buddhist Monastery

Tiger has always been a student of Buddhist teachings, given his mother is from Thailand. So, maybe he is at some remote Buddhist camp sitting Indian style eating rice and reflecting on his transgressions. Ohmmmmmmm…..

Fargo, North Dakota

Fargo? Seriously? Why would anyone want to go to Fargo, North Dakota?

My point exactly! It’s the dead of winter and what better way to get away from everyone than go somewhere where nobody wants to visit!

Snooki’s Basement

Tiger heard Snooki has a thing for guys with big muscles who like to fist pump and get crunk in hot tubs, and she heard he has a thing for chicks that wind up on sleazy reality shows. This is a win-win for both, and we all know Tiger loves winning!

WHERE IS TIGER WOODS?

By: Rooney
As we are all aware Tiger Woods has managed to completely fall off the face of the earth after revealing multiple “transgressions” following his unfortunate late night car accident on Thanksgiving 2009. So many questions and so few answers have followed this strange situation, and it is mind boggling to think how Tiger has managed to stay hidden in a society over populated with paparazzi and whistle blowers. Thus, it begs the question “Where is Tiger Woods and why can’t we find him?”

We here at “SATGQ” think that there are WAYYYYY to many theories and guesses regarding Tiger’s whereabouts. That said, we want to open up the soapbox to you, our handful of loyal readers, and see what crazy and ridiculous ideas or guesses you can come up with.

This is your best chance to weigh in on this bizarre topic. Just comment with your answer and we will post the TOP 10 at the end of the week for everyone to enjoy!

C’mon give it your best shot!!!

WHAT IS A STAR REGISTRY?

By: S. Andrews
Ok, I have wasted plenty of money in my lifetime on some questionable items and events. There was that one time when I spent $150 on one of those electronic ab stimulators that are supposed to give you rock hard abs without breaking a sweat. I thought what could be better? I can get rock hard abs while continuing to drink beer and watch football on my couch. However, like with all things, it was too good to be true. Instead of rock hard abs, I gained an extra 15 lbs and everytime I ran the microwave I would lose consciousness and shart myself.  Then there was that time when I thought it would be cool to get in touch with my inner hip hop and I dropped $60 bones on a Ray Allen Celtics jersey which never fit right and seemed to give me a rash on my chest every time I wore it. And let’s not forget that time when I spent $90 to wrestle 3 midgets at one time in a kiddie pool filled with strawberry jelly at a local bar.  That actually was a well spent $90….I’ve never felt so alive in my life. But never ever will you see me waste a single cent to name a star after someone.

I know what you are thinking, “What the hell are you talking about? Naming a star after someone?”  Trust me, I thought the same thing. I was first introduced to star registries during a routine car trip. While listening to my favorite sports talk radio station an ad came on informing me that I could spend my hard earned money to name a star after someone. My first instinct was, this is a joke! Who in their right mind would spend money to register a star after someone’s name? It’s not like the Adopt a Highway program. That actually makes sense. A civic group adopting a stretch of road in order to keep the area free of trash, debris and maintaining the integrity of the environment. I can even see adopting a tree or purchasing and planting a tree in a person’s name.  At least that is contributing to environmental maintenance. But registering a star? How in God’s Great Universe do you have the authority to register a star?

Why would anyone want to have a star named after them? I can see the scenario playing out now………..

GIFT GIVERS:     “Hey Jim, for your birthday, Sally and I invested $150 to name a star in honor of you.  With this gift, you get a 12”x16” parchment certificate that showcases your name and birth  date!”

JIM:  “H-O-L-Y C-R-A-P………NOOOOOO F-in WAAAYYYY? I get a picture of a star with my name on it?”

GIFT GIVERS:  “Yep, and it also comes with its very own telescopic coordinates, so that you can find your way to your star!”

JIM:  “NOOOO Sh*t!  Thank you both, this has to be the best gift I’ve ever received. I can’t think of a better way to spend $150 dollars!”

JIM’s BRAIN:  “WTF is this……..a star? What in the hell can I do with this? Thanks douchebags. You could have at least bought me something less queer than this……..like $150 worth of ice or mulch or hell even 10 cases of PBR. Thanks for nothing, you bunch inbred rejects!”

I know there are some pretty stupid people out there, but if anyone in their right mind actually spends money on this crap, they should be thrown in jail, because they’re useless to society.

WHICH ANIMAL HAS THE WORST DEFENSE MECHANISM?

By: Rooney
Animals are born and bred with all kinds of interesting defense mechanisms – dogs bite, cats scratch, skunks spray their ass perfume, porcupines sink their quills in, jellyfish sting, and so on…..

But, I was thinking about this yesterday and, hands down, the worst defense mechanism award has to go to the female worker Bee. For those of you who have never heard this before, when a female worker bee stings you they will die within a matter of hours, no matter what! I mean seriously, how much does that suck? To me, the whole purpose of possessing a defense mechanism is to keep your self safe, protect from attack, and prevent death. But Nooooo….not for the unfortunate lady worker bee.

Imagine your self as a Mama worker Bee just chilling up in your honeycomb on a Saturday afternoon after a grueling week of hard labor. All of the sudden, you are confronted by a big ass, hairy black bear who has recently developed a sweet tooth and decided he is in the mood for some honey. You’re startled by intense scratching and grunting and your comb is registering 10.0 quakes on the Richter scale as this black bear tries to weasel his way through your front door. Your baby bees are all whining and scared, Papa Bee is out buzzing around somewhere, and you are all alone to deal with this monster – what do you do?

Naturally, any one would jump up, grab a Louisville Slugger, 9 iron, or a shot gun and go after the intruder – not the Mama worker Bee. Equipped with only one option, the Mama worker Bee must rely on her pointy, barbed stinger to get the black bear off her front porch. But, ain’t it a bitch to suddenly realize “If I sting this bear I’m going to die”…? All of your instincts and all of your emotions channel every ounce of your energy to stinging the living piss out of that damn bear, but in the end you will only find your self dead. Your beloved baby bees will be motherless and Papa Bee will come home to find you stingerless, wilting, and gasping your last few breaths of life on earth. Talk about a sad state of affairs resulting from simply trying to save your self, your family, and your home.

It’s unfortunate how heartless Mother Nature can be sometimes. To take a life to save a life is an inconsiderate and shameful act. And while the bulk of this teaching may be somber and hard to fathom, it is at least comforting to know that Papa Bee can sting the hell out of you as much as he wants and live to see another day. If I were that black bear I would be quick to recall an old Klingon Proverb – “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

Good thing for hibernation.

WHY DID LANE KIFFIN JUMP SHIP TO USC?

By: S. Andrews
What a crazy month in college football! First Tim Tebow cries like a baby after a thrashing from Alabama (which eventually went on to claim the National Championship). Then his coach Urban Myer resigns, then changes his mind then flip flops about his decision more than a hungry pregnant woman. Next, Texas quarterback Colt McCoy is knocked out of the Championship game after the first series, on a hit that didn’t seem all too bad leaving a true freshman quarterback to play his first game for National Championship against the nations #1 defense Now, Lane Kiffin gives Tennessee the ole Bobby Petrino screw job and leaves for USC after just 14 months in the toothless rocky top town of Knoxville.

So what gives? Why did Kiffin scram from the inbred hills of Rocky Top for the topless beaches of SO-CAL? Was it because his recruiting hostesses looked more like his offensive line than a like an army of hot college co-eds? Was it because of the licking he took from the Gators after months of pre-season smack talk?

Nope, it’s none of these; the real reason Kiffin jumped ship to USC is because of the Cocaine. Seriously it’s SO-CAL people, the place where your wildest fantasies come true. The place where college quarterbacks party like rock stars with real rock stars who………wait for it…….like to dabble with the nose candy.  It’s the place where you can play 60 minutes of football and then frequent parties where strippers and kangaroos are a way of life, not an anomaly.

Just stop and think about it, would you rather coach players who get in trouble for robbing a convenience store on a lazy Friday night or coach players who get in trouble for snorting a kilo of cocaine while making out with 2 hot models in front of a dozen midgets (sorry….little people) during an all night frat house party where the main form of entertainment is a llama rodeo? I would take the llama rodeo in a heartbeat (mainly because I’ve never seen a llama rodeo before).

I know it was kind of…….well it was pretty dirty for Kiffin to put Tennessee in such a tight spot, but seriously people which would you rather have Moonshine or Cocaine?

How Do Blind People Know When They Are Done Wiping Their Butts?

Poop On Toilet Paper

By: Dickey T

We here at Stupid Answers to Great Questions are amazed at the quality of questions our readers send in.  When this question of butt wiping was first read, it was bypassed as trash.  Who really wants to talk about using the restroom, and wiping butts at that? 

However, it does make one think.  What are their options?  They don’t smell the paper, do they?  Gross–I just threw up in my mouth.  They definately don’t taste the paper, do they?  Gross—I just threw up on the floor.  The only other sense is to touch, right?  Gross—but not throw up gross.

Luckily, we live in Jacksonville, Florida, which is only 20 minutes from the St. Augustine School for the deaf and blind.   We passed out a poll and these are the shocking results:

Triple Wipe with a Guess Finish  30%

Use a Bidet, Paper Only used to pat dry  20%

Wipe with your hand and wash up good when finished   1% (One weird, hardcore blind guy)

Blind People don’t Poop  49%

So there you have it.  Blind people only pee.  However, our poll made us think.  How did the one blind, hardcore guy know he was hardcore.  Makes you think.  My guess is that blind people really aren’t blind. Bamm!

What is the Big Bang Theory?

Big Bang in Action

By: Dickey T

We hear this question throughout our years in high school science classes.  At that time we are thinking about lunch, the opposite sex; or our American Christian upbringing taught us to turn our minds off when hearing the words ‘big bang.’

Then throughout life, the words ‘big’ and ‘bang’ start to evolve into other ideals. We hear things like: “Go bang on Brad’s door,” “Man, that Thai food was bangin,” and “I really want to bang that chick.”  We also see signs everywhere! Home of the BIG Mac.  BIGGEST Loser, BIG Game Hunting, BIGGER is better.  Hell, there is even a movie named BIG. 

However, the words ‘big’ and ‘bang’ never seem to find themselves together anymore.  The two have strayed apart like that 10^th grade love of the past.  They are like Palin and that old guy who can’t move is arms.  They are like John and Kate.  OK, you get the picture.

With all this said, the real answer is something way different than you would ever imagine.  We here at stupid answers came across an ancient Seminole Indian text referencing the term “Big Bang.”    It goes as follows:

 Oooo Aaa Ya Ya

Oooo Aaa Ya Ya

Big flash hit tree

Big Bang shake ground.

Big tree start on fire.

Oooo Aaa Ya Ya

Oooo Aaa Ya Ya

 So, in finding this divine language, we now know that the Big Bang is simply….lightning and thunder.

Why are there State Birds?

No Birds

By: Dickey T

What is so damn special about birds?  I don’t understand why the United States has chosen to ‘officially’ have an assigned bird for each state.  I mean who really cares about birds, other than bird watchers.  There are several complaints about this issue, before we get to an answer here…so just hold on. First off, this country is not even creative enough to have a different bird for each state.  Four states have the mockingbird, seven states have the cardinal, six states have the western meadowlark, and there are a number of other multiples.  It is like each state just copied the other one and put no thought into this what so ever, but the people that made this decision were probably thinking the same thing I am.  That being, “this whole bird thing is a stupid idea.” Secondly, I understand having a state song, a state flag and even a motto, but again I bring up the importance of a bird.  Couldn’t we have at least had a cooler catagory like most dangerous animal or states most cuddly animal for kids. NO, we are stuck with birds.  Not amazing birds looking birds, like a parrot, just birds.  Small, normal, stupid looking birds.  As in all arguements, there are exceptions.  We must give credit to Delaware, New Mexico, and Louisiana.  Delaware has the Blue Hen Chicken, and having a chicken as a state bird is just awesome, plus they are yummy.  New Mexico has the Roadrunner.  BEEP BEEP.  This is only acceptable thanks to the cartoons, but it does pass.  Louisiana has the Eastern Brown Pelican, and the following makes the pelican great:  Strange bird is the Pel-i-can, holds more in his beak, than his bell-y-can. However, the answer here is…there is no answer.  HAVING STATE BIRDS IS JUST STUPID.  We should have ‘State Insects’ or ‘State Reptiles’ instead.  Insects and reptiles=cool.  Birds=stupid.

Why do Men have Nipples?

By: Dickey T

Women have nipples to feed babies.  We all know that, but aren’t nipples useless on a man.  If we look at a science book it may tell us that from the embryonic stage all bodies are created to have similar makeup.  That is why nipples are on both men and women.

To me that is some stupid Darwinian bull crap.  Men have nipples for one purpose…titty twisters.  Ooops, two reasons…titty twisters and atomic titty twisters.  If you don’t know what that is ask for one.  It is very similar to a Hurtz Donut.

What Do Broken Teeth Dreams Mean?

Broken Teeth Dream

By: S. Andrews

There many times when people wake up from dreams and then try to decipher what they actually mean. For example there is a popular myth that if you ever land on the ground after falling off of a cliff in your dream then you will die in real life. Is this true?……Well I tell you this I’ve fallen off of many things never hitting the ground in my dreams and I have always woken up to tell the tale.

There are many other examples that I’m sure are out there but I don’t really care to research them right now because frankly, I’d rather be doing something else with my time like consuming a tasty Fat Tire Beer. However, the above question did tickle my fancy and I felt like I should…….as an upstanding humanitarian…..decipher the meaning of broken teeth dreams. By the way, just like many theories there is often more than one answer so here we go…..

Theory #1:  It means your life is out of control. It seems as though losing all of your teeth in your dream means your life is spinning periously out of control which in reality causes your teeth to fall out, because subconciously, your concious is spinning so fast your teeth fall out. Therefore the antidisciplinarism establishment juxtaposes remarkably within the confines of the enamel of broken teeth. If you have a hard time understanding this theory than maybe you should go to college and study astrophysics. I believe they cover this in year 2.

Theory #2: It means that while in your dream you should go to a Target, Walmart, CVS, etc. to purchase some superglue and glue your teeth back in. Often times people like to read into things to much and there is usually a much simpler answer like this one……If your teeth fall out, glue them back in.

Theory #3: It means you are hungry for Chic-lets. Because white chic-lets bare so much resemblence to teeth, perhaps one who is dreaming this dream has a deep desire to chew some chic-let chewing gum.

Theory #4: It means that before you wake up, you have to go to the dentist to get them fixed. Otherwise you will have lost your teeth in dreamworld forever. After many complicated sleep studies performed by very smart Harvard doctors, it has been concluded that if you break your teeth in a dream and wake up with out getting them fixed, then everytime you dream from that day on you will not have any teeth in your dreams ever again. And you can’t get them fixed, the damage is permanent. You can however, purchase dentures in your following dreams but they are very expensive and it’s been concluded that money in dream world is not valuable. This finding is comparable to the Mexican Peso in real life.

Theory #5: It means that the groundhog will see his shadow and there will be 6 more months of winter.

Magic Johnson Has Been HIV Positive Since 1991, What Type Of HIV Does That Dude Have???

RFHIV Hitting it inside Magic Johnson

By: S. Andrews
This question was submitted to us by one of readers about a month ago. I think this is a fantastic question and one that should not go unanswered.  It took me a little while to answer due to intense medical research sessions and the intense legal battle to subpoena Mr. Johnson’s medical records, which was much tougher than anticipated. After examining Magic Johnson’s file with a fine tooth comb, I’ve come to the conclusion that Magic has a very rare and acute form of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus. This particular strand of HIV is common in places like Jamaica, Mexico, and basements hidden by false floors and walls throughout suburban America. This brand of HIV also often goes by the name of R.F.H.I.V. which stands for Rastafari Human Immunodeficiency Virus.

You see, RFHIV is the particular HIV that after contracted gets into your system and instead of getting down to the business of destroying your immune system and turning into AIDS, RFHIV just sits around like a lazy fat slob, chillin on your liver or pancreas and smokes weed all day while listening to Bob Marley and other popular Rastafari Bands. Often times the RFHIV will invite other compadre’s  like Herpes Simplex 1 and Syphilis to cruise on over for a fun and relaxed day of hitting the bong and enjoying a bag of Funyuns. If they’re really lucky sometimes they can get their old pal and 8-time Olympic gold medal winner Michael Phelps to come by and bring the “the good hash” (I’m told he found a really good supplier in China).

In the medical realm, RFHIV is often characterized as the “slacker” virus which the likes of Small Pox, Scarlet Fever, Eboli and more importantly HIV (RFHIV’s overachieved older sibling) are not very fond of. Can you blame them? While these killer viruses are doing their will to destroy mankind, RFHIV can’t seem to get off the potato chip covered spleen and get the job done.

In conclusion, I imagine Magic Johnson transmitted this strand of HIV while vacationing in beautiful Jamaica. My theory is he got high one night and had his way with several beautiful, RFHIV infected Jamaican women. RFHIV will often take 20 to 30 years to become motivated enough to pursue its destiny of death. However in about 2% of reported cases around the world, RFHIV will lay dormant inside one’s body and live the life of a hippie tree huggin stoner virus and will never complete the job it was born to do. It seems as though Mr. Magic’s case seems to fall in the rare category of HIV cases which explains why he continues to remain un-phased by the HIV virus.

WHY DO CYCLISTS AND CASUAL WALKERS THINK THEY OWN THE ROAD?

By: Rooney
I live in a pretty big city, and while it has its perks, there is one gargantuan pet peeve that I have come to manifest – cyclists and casual walkers wanting to share the road. Look, every big city has its traffic issues simply because of population, and this will always translate into one simple equation – big city + large population = lots of cars. It’s bad enough that the streets and highways are cramped with large SUV’s, slow elderly folk in Cadillac’s, spoiled brats in Mercedes, and lunatics on motorcycles. So, why do cyclists and people walking around with backpacks and iPod’s think they have a right to enter the equation and pollute the situation even more?

 

Maybe it’s not the cyclist or the walker that annoys me, but rather their attitude when you are minding your own business and drive right by them. I am so sick and tired of the cold, icy stare, as if to say I should just keep in line and continue going at a speed of 12 miles per hour while they peddle frantically in their flashy scuba gear and grab their water bottle and pour it all over themselves, or slam on my brakes with a wave of traffic behind me so they can cross the street 20 seconds sooner. Instead, they would prefer that I swerve into oncoming traffic to pass them or risk getting rear-ended so they can illegally adhere to their precious 4 feet of asphalt.

 

Listen, last I checked I am the one who has the automobile – an automobile that is 10 times bigger than you and can run you over! Now, I’m not saying that I would ever run anyone over with my car, but…..I know that when I am crossing streets or if I am on a bicycle next to a busy road I am always respectful of the almighty car, truck, van, SUV, bus, and semi truck. Its common sense people, streets and roads are for cars, not cyclists and walkers – we have licenses and license plates that allow us to be on them, you don’t! If you want to ride your Cannondale or break in your new pair of Asics then go find a park or trail somewhere in the woods. Odds are you’ll be much safer there and you won’t have to worry about getting a tread mark tattoo if you cross the wrong driver.

 

Again, it’s not the cyclist, the walker, or even the passion for their hobbies that gets under my skin…..it’s the attitude! And, well maybe a little bit of the passion,too. I just don’t understand at what point these people thought to themselves that it would be okay and accepted by motorists to take up a piece of the road or highway, and then throw a little sass if they didn’t get their way. Truth is all you cyclists and walkers, you will never be welcomed on the roads or highways. That’s just the way it is so get over it and get over your attention starved selves. And, if you can’t, then I suggest you pack up your leotards and New Balances and buy a one way ticket to France!

 

Peace, I’m out.

What Are Meat Sweats?

Meat Sweats

By: S. Andrews

I love meat! (Pipe down you immature a-holes, this is not a blog about sexual orientation). However, sometimes I tend to eat way to much during one meal and when this happens a strange phenomenon called the meat sweats occur. You may be asking yourself “What in the heck are meat sweats?” Well I’ll tell you. Meat sweats occur when you eat to much meat and you wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and you can’t go back to sleep. These are similar to night terrors except you sweat because you ate to much meat not because you are dreaming about your recent shopping experience at Wal-Mart.

Other common symptoms of meat sweats are meat smells, this is when you eat so much meat you start to smell like the meat you ate. For example, if you eat way to much smoked turkey for dinner then you may wake up sweating and smelling like smoked turkey, or perhaps you ate a 20 oz. Porterhouse during a cook out with a group of your closest friends, you may then wake up in a pool of sweat with the pleasant smell of seared steak seasoned with the best spices. People who experience meat sweats should invest in potent detergent in order to combat meat smells in there linens after a severe bout with the meat sweats. For more information on meat sweats please visit meatsweatshelp.org.