by: S. Andrews
Unless you’ve lived under a rock over the past year you have probably more than likely seen a clip of the Duggar Family (if not the whole show) on TLC called ‘17 Kids and Counting’….or is it ‘18 Kids and Counting’? Since Jim Bob Duggar a.k.a. The Vagina Whisperer seems to impregnate his wife with just a twitch of the hand these days I would put good money down in Vegas that Michelle Duggar has a fantastic chance of having 10 more kids. Therefore, we at Stupid Answers to Great Questions looked into the future through our crystal ball and asked the question “If the Duggars were to have 10 more kids, and knowing that their names would have to start with the letter J (a Duggar family tradition) what would be the top 10 J names the Duggars would use for their bundles of joy? So here we go….
10. Jif – After spending thousands of dollars a year on peanut butter expenses the Duggar family sold the naming rights for the birth of their 19th child. The deal includes a lifetime supply of Jif Peanut Butter (Salmonella free of course) for the entire family.
9. Jamocha – When you have 20 kids it’s the simple things in life that seem to be a treat. In celebration of #20 Jim Bob and Michelle left it up to the family to vote for this name. It was no surprise that Jamocha won out since it’s this family’s favorite frosty dessert…..Well that and raw squirrel.
8. Jun Tao – After the 20th child Jim Bob and Michelle’s DNA ran out of White Anglo Saxon genetic combinations. Therefore the next best thing their chromosomes could come up with was an Asian baby. The birth of Jun Tao headlined as the first true story in the popular supermarket tabloid ‘Weekly World News’ – “The Duggars Give Birth to Asian Baby….Michelle says it’s Jim Bob’s”
7. Jamberbot – It seems as though kid #21 really did a number on Michelle’s birthing parts seeing as Jun Tao was holding a Samurai sword as he exited the womb. So the happy Duggar couple had to take the year off. However, in order to make up their annual kid quota, Jim Bob thought it would be a good idea to build a robot child called Jamberbot. Jamberbot was made out of old farm tools, some parts from a 1991 Dodge minivan and a tea kettle. During the project they actually programmed a set of specific skills for Jamberbot which includes knitting flannel shirts. This cuts the Duggar family clothing costs by 50%.
6. Jubilee – What is a huge family in Arkansas without a little girl named Jubilee? One of Michelle Duggar’s favorite hobbies is to bake, unfortunately her knack for naming her tasty treats isn’t as good as her knack for the actual baking. Apparently when it comes to dessert at the dinner table everything ends with jubilee. “I like it when mommy makes cherry jubilee” quipped Jedidiah Duggar as he widdled a wooden rubber ducky out of a piece Arkansas Birchwood. “No, No, Jed Mom’s Chocolate jubilee is much better” – retorted Jana Duggar who was rated #1 on baptistbabes.com’s most hottest Baptist babe in Arkansas list 2008. Therefore it was only fitting that the next little girl in the family be named Jubilee.
5. Jahosaphat – Don’t tell anyone but the Duggar’s like to get together on Friday night’s and play Scrabble. Like most Scrabble games there is often a theme that is connected with that particular night’s game. For example one popular theme is often barnyard animals or favorite brands of tractors. However, after 10 years of Friday Night Scrabble the themes started to wear thin. So I guess they thought it would be fun to play an all American game of ebonics Scrabble. To make the long story short Jim Bob declared that the next ebonic phonic thrown down would be their next child’s name. Before you knew it, little Joshua Duggar threw down Jahosophat while screaming out “Get it!!!….it sounds like I’m saying your ho is so phat….phat with a p not an f”. After a deafening collective chuckle from the entire family it was settled #23 was Jahosaphat Moses Duggar.
4. Jalapeno’ – After the birth of Jahosaphat it was time for Michelle and Jim Bob to take a nice little vacation. Destination: Tijuana, Mexico. After a few fun filled days in the hot Mexican sun and a ½ a virgin margarita split between the 2 of them, nine months later Jalapeno’ Maria Duggar entered into this world at a whopping 10 lbs. 2 oz.
3. Jordache – Since Jamberbot, the Duggar robot child, was cranking out enough flannel’s to supply all the Wal-Mart’s in the Midwest, Jim Bob, the family’s Director of Marketing, decided to pen a naming rights deal with Jordache jeans. The deal was structured much like the Jif peanut butter sponsorship. Welcome to Earth Jordache Walton Duggar!
2. Jethro – It seems that Jim Bob fell off the wagon for a brief period and went through a little “phase” where he denounced Evangelical Christianity for a brief period and grew out his hair, wore vintage 80’s rock T-shirt’s with cut off sleeves, started listening to Classic Rock and frequently drank 6 packs of PBR. During one Saturday night while playing a Jethro Tull vinyl backwards Jim Bob claims he heard a message from God that said “Jim Bob….this is God….unto you this day a child will be born…..you shall wrap this child in flannel and denim and he shall be called Jethro…..because Jethro Tull is my favorite band….seriously they freakin rock!” Even though Michelle and the rest of the family were totally opposed to the name how were they going to argue with God. After his brush with the Almighty Jim Bob quickly went back to preaching the gospel, wearing flannel shirts with khaki pants and listening to Barber Shop Quartets singing praise songs.
1. J.- It was bound to happen. Eventually they would run out of J names.