Is Nancy Pelosi Really Satan?

25 02 2009
nancy-pelosi-copy21

Nancy Pelosi = Satan

 By: Dickey T

I will start this question in saying, “I hate politics.  I hate the extreme left.  I hate the extreme right.”  I believe most people in our national government are not honest.  I believe most politicians are power hungry lawyers, looking to find their place in history.  With that said, I believe Nancy Pelosi could be the worst and I have untrue, undocumented evidence to prove it. 

 

She supported the economic stimulus plan, but only because she herself wanted to be the stimulus.  After being voted down by every old man in congress Pelosi went through a severely traumatic week, eating 700 Twinkies a day.  After eating 4900 Twinkies in one week, Pelosi vowed to stand up and sit down an astronomical 10,000 times while clapping for the president, during his speech to congress.

 

I do not dislike Pelosi for any one reason, even though she is a “devout” catholic and wants to kill babies.  She also clubs baby seals (satan song here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swGBlDn_yiI).  People blamed her for supporting Chavez and conspiring to support terrorism.  I don’t do that, but I do blame her for tempting Christ in the desert.

 

There are a number of similarities between Pelosi and Satan.  Satan likes fire, Pelosi eats tacos with hot sauce.  Satan took the form of a snake, Pelosi used gallons of Botox on her face—giving her a snakelike appearance.  Satan oversees angels cast from heaven, Pelosi is speaker of the house.  Satan likes power and so does Pelosi!!

 

Seriously have you seen those eyes.  Those are eyes that see through the exterior straight into the soul.  I don’t mean she knows people and has great disposition.  I mean she sees others souls and wants them for her and her cats (cats have recently been found to be the chosen pet of Satan). 

 

And last but not least, if you rearrange the letters in her name it spells: Penis Clan Yo!

I don’t know what that means, but that’s funny.

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WHAT IF THE DUGGAR FAMILY HAD 10 MORE KIDS?

20 02 2009

by: S. Andrews
Unless you’ve lived under a rock over the past year you have probably more than likely seen a clip of the Duggar Family (if not the whole show) on TLC called ‘17 Kids and Counting’….or is it ‘18 Kids and Counting’? Since Jim Bob Duggar a.k.a. The Vagina Whisperer seems to impregnate his wife with just a twitch of the hand these days I would put good money down in Vegas that Michelle Duggar has a fantastic chance of having 10 more kids. Therefore, we at Stupid Answers to Great Questions looked into the future through our crystal ball and asked the question “If the Duggars were to have 10 more kids, and knowing that their names would have to start with the letter J (a Duggar family tradition) what would be the top 10 J names the Duggars would use for their bundles of joy? So here we go….

10.  Jif After spending thousands of dollars a year on peanut butter expenses the Duggar family sold the naming rights for  the birth of their 19th child. The deal includes a lifetime supply of Jif Peanut Butter (Salmonella free of course) for the entire family.

9.  Jamocha When you have 20 kids it’s the simple things in life that seem to be a treat. In celebration of #20 Jim Bob and Michelle left it up to the family to vote for this name. It was no surprise that Jamocha won out since it’s this family’s favorite frosty dessert…..Well that and raw squirrel.

8.  Jun Tao After the 20th child Jim Bob and Michelle’s DNA ran out of White Anglo Saxon genetic combinations. Therefore the next best thing their chromosomes could come up with was an Asian baby. The birth of Jun Tao headlined as the first true story in the popular supermarket   tabloid ‘Weekly World News’ – “The Duggars Give Birth to Asian Baby….Michelle says it’s Jim Bob’s”

7.  Jamberbot It seems as though kid #21 really did a number on Michelle’s birthing parts seeing as Jun Tao was holding a Samurai sword as he exited the womb. So the happy Duggar couple had to take the year off. However, in order to make up their annual kid quota, Jim Bob thought it would be a good idea to build a robot child called Jamberbot. Jamberbot was made out of old farm tools, some parts from a 1991 Dodge minivan and a tea kettle. During the project they actually programmed a set of specific skills for Jamberbot which includes knitting flannel shirts. This cuts the Duggar family clothing costs by 50%.

6.  Jubilee What is a huge family in Arkansas without a little girl named Jubilee? One of Michelle Duggar’s favorite hobbies is to bake, unfortunately her knack for naming her tasty treats isn’t as good as her knack for the actual baking. Apparently when it comes to dessert at the dinner table   everything ends with jubilee. “I like it when mommy makes cherry jubilee” quipped Jedidiah Duggar as he widdled a wooden rubber ducky out of a piece Arkansas Birchwood. “No, No, Jed Mom’s Chocolate jubilee is much better” – retorted Jana Duggar who was rated #1 on baptistbabes.com’s most hottest Baptist babe in Arkansas list 2008. Therefore it was only fitting that the next little girl in the family be named Jubilee.

5. Jahosaphat Don’t tell anyone but the Duggar’s like to get together on Friday night’s and play Scrabble. Like most Scrabble games there is often a theme that is connected with that particular night’s game. For example one popular theme is often barnyard animals or favorite brands of tractors. However, after 10 years of Friday Night Scrabble the themes started to wear thin.  So I guess they thought it would be fun to play an all American game of ebonics Scrabble. To make the long story short Jim Bob declared that the next ebonic phonic thrown down would be their next child’s name. Before you knew it, little Joshua Duggar threw down Jahosophat while screaming out “Get it!!!….it sounds like I’m saying your ho is so phat….phat with a p not an f”. After a deafening collective chuckle from the entire family it was settled #23 was Jahosaphat Moses Duggar.

4.  Jalapeno’ – After the birth of Jahosaphat it was time for Michelle and Jim Bob to take a nice little vacation. Destination: Tijuana, Mexico. After a few fun filled days in the hot Mexican sun and a ½ a virgin margarita split between the 2 of them, nine months later Jalapeno’ Maria Duggar entered into this world at a whopping 10 lbs. 2 oz.

3.  Jordache – Since Jamberbot, the Duggar robot child, was cranking out enough flannel’s to supply all the Wal-Mart’s in the Midwest, Jim Bob, the family’s Director of Marketing, decided to pen a naming rights deal with Jordache jeans. The deal was structured much like the Jif   peanut butter sponsorship. Welcome to Earth Jordache Walton Duggar!

2.  Jethro It seems that Jim Bob fell off the wagon for a brief period and went through a little “phase” where he denounced Evangelical Christianity for a brief period and grew out his hair, wore vintage 80’s rock T-shirt’s with cut off sleeves, started listening to Classic Rock and frequently drank 6 packs of PBR. During one Saturday night while playing a Jethro Tull vinyl backwards Jim Bob claims he heard a message from God that said “Jim Bob….this is God….unto you this day a child will be born…..you shall wrap this child in flannel and denim and he shall be called Jethro…..because Jethro Tull is my favorite band….seriously they freakin rock!” Even though Michelle and the rest of the family were totally opposed to the name how were they going to argue with God. After his brush with the Almighty Jim Bob quickly went back to preaching the gospel, wearing flannel shirts with khaki pants and listening to Barber Shop Quartets singing praise songs.

1.  J.- It was bound to happen. Eventually they would run out of J names.





WHAT IF MONEY WAS NO OBJECT?

18 02 2009

monkey-pimp-copy2By: Dickey T  

Oh, the wonderful life we would lead.  We would live where we want, travel where we want, and eat whatever we want.  Already that is where this question takes a turn…eating.  Most people would eat themselves fat, due to the shear fact they could buy all the tastiness they could gorge themselves with.  Humans are animals.  If humans were monkeys, we would be the fattest banana eating, poop throwing animal at the zoo. 

                That brings up an even stupider question. What if bananas took the place of money? 

That would mean every cartoon character that slipped off the side of a mountain on a banana peel would not get pissed.  They would be stoked to have wondered over lunch money. 

That would mean mom’s banana pudding is not just wholesome goodness, but could also be a down payment on a new Jetta.

And last but not least, humans would be overthrown and caged by monkeys.  So unless you like crapping in your hand and throwing it at camera equipped, Asian monkey tourists, count your money and your bananas, and consider yourself lucky.





DO BARKING SPIDERS REALLY EXIST?

11 02 2009
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Barking Spider

By: Rooney
The e
ver elusive barking spider first reared its nauseating head somewhere in the early 1970’s in the backwoods of Southeast Mississippi. The highly decorated gastroentimologist Dr. Charles “Chucky” Brownfinger discovered the barking spider early one evening just after a second helping of his half sisters famous Sloppy Joe’s. Out of nowhere they heard a low, abbreviated rumbling noise echo through the kitchen that resembled the sound of an old Harley Davidson screaming down the interstate with no exhaust. It was startling to say the least, but not near as startling as the aroma that quickly followed. Red cheeked and visibly in denial, Chucky Brownfinger pointed to the corner of the kitchen and yelled “Spider! Big bbbbarking spider! Get the broom, Jezabelle!” Unfortunately, they searched the kitchen over with no success of unveiling this newly discovered “Barking Spider”. Thus, the investigation and research began by Dr. Brownfinger and a few of his colleagues from Browning University.

Over time, Brownfinger concurred that the Barking Spider (genus Flatulous Arachnidius) was indigenous of moist, warm crevices and resided mostly in dark spaces such as couch cushions, Dutch ovens, campgrounds, cubicles, back seats of automobiles, and Mexican restaurants all across America. He also discovered that, while reclusive and shy, Barking Spider’s also like to “rev their tail pipes” at various social scenes throughout the nation, such as birthday parties, weddings, Cinco de Mayo, and most commonly Sunday brunch. Also worth noting, the Barking Spider has a brain the size of a pin head and a stomach the size of a pencil eraser, with legs no longer than that of an eyelash – this, of course, all according to Dr. Brownfinger’s thesis.

To date, no one has ever seen a barking spider, but only smelled their presence. Dr. Chucky Brownfinger remains adamant in his search to catch the elusive Barking Spider, revealing that the closest he ever came to catching a Barking Spider was 3 years ago at a friendly late night poker game with a few of his cronies. Not to be deterred, his quest remains strong and steadfast, with hopes that one day he will be able to befriend his highly elusive scapegoat. Until then, he urges to keep your eyes peeled and your nostrils stout, because that next taco night you get invited to could very well be the first ever unmasking of the mysterious and mythical Barking Spider.





CAN WE PREDICT HOW PROTEINS WILL FOLD?

10 02 2009

by: S. Andrews
Ahh the wonderful world of proteins. The complex building blocks of the human body that give each and every one of us our distinct original features. Made up of essential chemicals and amino acids, proteins are responsible for giving each of us our own unique identity.  Much has been discovered when it comes to proteins, however the world of proteins is still a complex universe filled with fascinating mystery. One mystery that still allures today’s scientific mind is predicting how proteins will fold.

Typically this question would be answered with a complex explanation filled with crazy words like DNA, tRNA, adenine, guanine, macromolecules, and globular. However, the answer is much easier to disseminate than what the Harvard graduate would like you to believe.

YES…we can predict how proteins will fold. “How you ask?” well it’s really quite simple. What many people don’t know is that proteins love to play poker. Yes poker. Texas Hold em, 5 card, Omaha, Stud, and even Indian poker. However, just because proteins like to play poker doesn’t mean they’re any good at it. In fact they are horrible because it’s so easy to predict when that cocky little protein bastard will fold its hand.  There are many ways to tell if a protein will fold but my favorite is when their chemical bonds start to unravel, then they get really nervous…..poop  peptides and throw their cards away. Other proteins before they fold start secreting globular’s all over the table……it’s really a huge mess.

So the next time you’re playing poker with a group of those obnoxious amino acids, and they start quivering, unraveling or pooping peptides then you know they don’t have a hand and you can go all in.





WHAT IS AN ECONOMIC STIMULUS PLAN?

9 02 2009

Economic StimulusBy: Dickey T

The text books say an economic stimulus plan is a plan to better our economy and to help us avoid a recession.  According to our saving grace, also known as President Barack Obama, an economic stimulus plan is expensive, really expensive.  It is so expensive I quite doing the math after $900 billion.  This large chunk of money is going to support Manufacturing and Green Jobs, Provide Tax Relief, Support Education, Invest in New Infrastructure and Boast Spending in Science and Technology.

                                       

But this is all wrong.

 

First off you can’t plan to be stimulated.  If that sexy woman in the red dress and high heels walks by, you don’t plan on becoming ‘stimulated,’ it just happens. 

 

Secondly, there are 435 bald, old men in their blue suits, sitting in congress brainstorming on a ‘stimulus plan.’  The only thing these old farts will be the stimuli for is the sales of Viagra.  We are a pretty stupid nation to allow men who can’t get stimulated, to be in charge of the stimulating. 

 

Lastly, who is the woman in the red dress?  Is it China?  I personally don’t think so.  The opening ceremony of the 2008 Olympics may have been really expensive (presidential requirement for stimulation), and very impressive or should I say ‘stimulating.’  However, I feel like China would do something amazing to stimulate you, then whip out a samurai sword and chop that stimulation to pieces. 

 

So, with that said, there is no way to arouse the economy with some brilliant plan…it will just happen when the time is right.  I say remove the blue suits in congress and replace them with the college sorority sisters from south Florida, adorned in form fitting red dresses, with matching heels.  That would make our economy reach heights never seen.





WHAT IS A SQUARE ROOT?

4 02 2009

tree-copy3By:  Dickey T

All the mathematicians of the world want to show off there stuff with their fancy numbers and confusing formulas.  They steal all their lingo, then make you feel stupid for not understanding.  BUT NOT THIS TIME NUMBER HEAD!  To understand square roots all you have to do is see the attached diagram.  Ha!  This shows all the calculus teachers, physics majors and that smart guy in the wheel chair who the idiot really is.  Why don’t you math geniuses go back to your normal routine of adding your nights watching HEROES, subtracting the girlfriends, and multiplying your World of Warcraft gold.