DO BARKING SPIDERS REALLY EXIST?

11 02 2009
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Barking Spider

By: Rooney
The e
ver elusive barking spider first reared its nauseating head somewhere in the early 1970’s in the backwoods of Southeast Mississippi. The highly decorated gastroentimologist Dr. Charles “Chucky” Brownfinger discovered the barking spider early one evening just after a second helping of his half sisters famous Sloppy Joe’s. Out of nowhere they heard a low, abbreviated rumbling noise echo through the kitchen that resembled the sound of an old Harley Davidson screaming down the interstate with no exhaust. It was startling to say the least, but not near as startling as the aroma that quickly followed. Red cheeked and visibly in denial, Chucky Brownfinger pointed to the corner of the kitchen and yelled “Spider! Big bbbbarking spider! Get the broom, Jezabelle!” Unfortunately, they searched the kitchen over with no success of unveiling this newly discovered “Barking Spider”. Thus, the investigation and research began by Dr. Brownfinger and a few of his colleagues from Browning University.

Over time, Brownfinger concurred that the Barking Spider (genus Flatulous Arachnidius) was indigenous of moist, warm crevices and resided mostly in dark spaces such as couch cushions, Dutch ovens, campgrounds, cubicles, back seats of automobiles, and Mexican restaurants all across America. He also discovered that, while reclusive and shy, Barking Spider’s also like to “rev their tail pipes” at various social scenes throughout the nation, such as birthday parties, weddings, Cinco de Mayo, and most commonly Sunday brunch. Also worth noting, the Barking Spider has a brain the size of a pin head and a stomach the size of a pencil eraser, with legs no longer than that of an eyelash – this, of course, all according to Dr. Brownfinger’s thesis.

To date, no one has ever seen a barking spider, but only smelled their presence. Dr. Chucky Brownfinger remains adamant in his search to catch the elusive Barking Spider, revealing that the closest he ever came to catching a Barking Spider was 3 years ago at a friendly late night poker game with a few of his cronies. Not to be deterred, his quest remains strong and steadfast, with hopes that one day he will be able to befriend his highly elusive scapegoat. Until then, he urges to keep your eyes peeled and your nostrils stout, because that next taco night you get invited to could very well be the first ever unmasking of the mysterious and mythical Barking Spider.

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28 03 2009

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