29 03 2009

By: Rooney
I live in a pretty big city, and while it has its perks, there is one gargantuan pet peeve that I have come to manifest – cyclists and casual walkers wanting to share the road. Look, every big city has its traffic issues simply because of population, and this will always translate into one simple equation – big city + large population = lots of cars. It’s bad enough that the streets and highways are cramped with large SUV’s, slow elderly folk in Cadillac’s, spoiled brats in Mercedes, and lunatics on motorcycles. So, why do cyclists and people walking around with backpacks and iPod’s think they have a right to enter the equation and pollute the situation even more?


Maybe it’s not the cyclist or the walker that annoys me, but rather their attitude when you are minding your own business and drive right by them. I am so sick and tired of the cold, icy stare, as if to say I should just keep in line and continue going at a speed of 12 miles per hour while they peddle frantically in their flashy scuba gear and grab their water bottle and pour it all over themselves, or slam on my brakes with a wave of traffic behind me so they can cross the street 20 seconds sooner. Instead, they would prefer that I swerve into oncoming traffic to pass them or risk getting rear-ended so they can illegally adhere to their precious 4 feet of asphalt.


Listen, last I checked I am the one who has the automobile – an automobile that is 10 times bigger than you and can run you over! Now, I’m not saying that I would ever run anyone over with my car, but…..I know that when I am crossing streets or if I am on a bicycle next to a busy road I am always respectful of the almighty car, truck, van, SUV, bus, and semi truck. Its common sense people, streets and roads are for cars, not cyclists and walkers – we have licenses and license plates that allow us to be on them, you don’t! If you want to ride your Cannondale or break in your new pair of Asics then go find a park or trail somewhere in the woods. Odds are you’ll be much safer there and you won’t have to worry about getting a tread mark tattoo if you cross the wrong driver.


Again, it’s not the cyclist, the walker, or even the passion for their hobbies that gets under my skin…..it’s the attitude! And, well maybe a little bit of the passion,too. I just don’t understand at what point these people thought to themselves that it would be okay and accepted by motorists to take up a piece of the road or highway, and then throw a little sass if they didn’t get their way. Truth is all you cyclists and walkers, you will never be welcomed on the roads or highways. That’s just the way it is so get over it and get over your attention starved selves. And, if you can’t, then I suggest you pack up your leotards and New Balances and buy a one way ticket to France!


Peace, I’m out.

Who is in charge of the Mexican Drug Cartels?

27 03 2009

 By: Dickey T

Speedy Gonzales

Speedy Gonzales

The drug trafficking problem in Mexico stretches over 10 of the countries states and spills into much of the United States.  The ruthless cartels rule by violence including grenade attacks, beheadings and street executions.   The cartels are so powerful they have taken over a number of cities and the Mexican government could be on the verge of collapse.  Now that’s straight gangsta!


With that said, the true question arises:  Who is the single person in charge, Who is the new age ‘Don’ of Gangsta’s Mexican Paradise, Who is the Top Chihuahua?  After going undercover and infiltrating the each cartel the same face kept turning up.  The main man behind every drug cartel in Mexico is, dum dum dum, Speedy Gonzales.

It all lines up. It all makes sense.   Speedy Gonzales is ‘The Fastest Mouse in all Mexico.’  You need that speed to cross the border and not get caught.  Speedy can run to New York, hit Chicago and Houston on the way back, while carrying 4,000 kilos; in a single night.  He is constantly screaming, “Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba! (Mexican Spanish for Come on! Hurry up!).  A saying heard throughout the drug packing plants.             In all the cartoons Speedy is surrounded by the ladies and is a known womanizer.  A known stereotypical trait of the gangsta elite.  I mean watch a rap video, you’ll get the picture.


All this time you thought Speedy Gonzales was a sweet, intelligent mouse with positive qualities.  Now you know that is all wrong.  Speedy is straight gangsta, pushing around the little people and smackin up his hoes.

What Are Meat Sweats?

20 03 2009

Meat Sweats

By: S. Andrews

I love meat! (Pipe down you immature a-holes, this is not a blog about sexual orientation). However, sometimes I tend to eat way to much during one meal and when this happens a strange phenomenon called the meat sweats occur. You may be asking yourself “What in the heck are meat sweats?” Well I’ll tell you. Meat sweats occur when you eat to much meat and you wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and you can’t go back to sleep. These are similar to night terrors except you sweat because you ate to much meat not because you are dreaming about your recent shopping experience at Wal-Mart.

Other common symptoms of meat sweats are meat smells, this is when you eat so much meat you start to smell like the meat you ate. For example, if you eat way to much smoked turkey for dinner then you may wake up sweating and smelling like smoked turkey, or perhaps you ate a 20 oz. Porterhouse during a cook out with a group of your closest friends, you may then wake up in a pool of sweat with the pleasant smell of seared steak seasoned with the best spices. People who experience meat sweats should invest in potent detergent in order to combat meat smells in there linens after a severe bout with the meat sweats. For more information on meat sweats please visit meatsweatshelp.org.

What Would I Do With My Bonus Money If I Was An AIG Exec?

18 03 2009

Government Bonus Money

By: S. Andrews
First of all I’m going to pretend that my rank in the company is around 10, low enough to not be held accountable for this mess, but high enough to totally reap the rewards of an unjust system. Therefore according to my calculations (which by the way are non-existent and totally random) I’m guessing that I would have received about $25 million. So here are the top 10 investments I would make with my $25 million in AIG bonuses…..(These are rated in no particular order).

10. Star in my own rap video – I’ve always wanted to star in my own Gangsta rap video where I’m the one with the scantily clad ho’s in the hot tub popping bubbly and wiping the sweat off my brow with Benjamins. The video would be about my cold blooded revenge on a rival gang memba who disrespected me by walking past my freshly made gingerbread house and crushed it under his size 10 ½ Timberland boot.

9. Purchase a Tiger – I’m not usually a cat fan, but seriously tigers are freakin cool. They’re like orange zebra’s that look like cats and they can kill you.

8. Start a Club – I would start a Medieval, fantasy role playing club called the Kings Cockles. Where rival groups represent far off distant lands and battle for the crown of Darwitha, a fantasy land inhabited by trolls, gnomes, and dragons which is rich in fertile soil and valuable resources. Of course this is all pretend. But it’s fun to pretend. Yippee!!

7. Install a Gold Toilet in my Bathroom – Nothing says “F-U taxpayers” like buying a solid gold toilet.

6. Purchase a HybridHey I may be corrupt and greedy but I still care about the environment. And now that Obama and Geitner are back pedaling to re-coop this money, I need to invest in items that will allow me to take advantage of tax write off’s.

5. Purchase a Delorean – I saw a guy driving one of these the other day and I forgot they existed. Now I have a sudden urge to rent the Back to the Future series. I think it would be cool to dress up like Doc Brown and roll up to the ladies and drop lines like “Hey baby do you want to see my flux capacitor?” or “Hey sweet thang can I give you a jiggawatt massage?”

4. Rent out a Pirate Ship for the weekend – How cool would it be to go deep sea fishing on a pirate ship with all your friends and a bunch of beer. I think while I had the Pirate Ship I would try and make another rap video about pirates. I’ve never seen this before and I think it would be a big hit!

3. Purchase Billboard Space – What better way to say thanks to our government than to purchase billboard space in D.C. with a picture of me taking a bath in $100 dolla dolla billz ya’ll.

2. Gamble – I would gamble the hell out of some of my bonus money. I love craps and I loveth the Vegas!

1. Buy a Katana – No not the crotch rocket motorcycle, I’m talking about the Japanese weapon of choice…..The Katana. A blade of honor and glory and is so sharp you can chop up just about anything. You can also deflect bullets with a Katana. People in movies do it all the time. Screw Ginsu knives, give me a katana.

What is Twittering?

13 03 2009

By: Dickey T

So, here is another term created by technology.  First it was email, than instant message, texting was the next phenom; blogging is entwined in there somewhere and now there is twittering.  From my understanding twittering is a form of ‘micro-blogging,’ where you share tidbits of information about yourself.  You tell what you are doing, what you eating, where you are going; at every second of every day.

Let’s look at this for a second.  All of these technological advances are based around communication about yourself.  Every teeny bopper that wants to become the next Britney Spears, every washed up Hollywood star, and John McCann are who you will find twittering.  Basically, twittering means: I am a self pompous ass and I am doing everything I can for people to pay attention to me. I know we usually give you answers here at Stupid Answers to Great Questions, but I am going to give a little advice in this answer.  Here it goes:


You can text, you can tweet, you can hold up a big yellow sign saying, “Hey look at me.  I’m the greatest.”  You can do whatever you want for attention, but basically get over yourself and your need for attention.  Yeah, there are people paying attention to you they are called stalkers.  So here is a ‘tweet’ for you…You’re An IDIOT.

Twittering is Stupid

Twittering is Stupid


9 03 2009

                                                                   By: Dickey T

aurora-borealis-finalAt first glance, the words aurora borealis seem to be the name of a very itchy skin disease or the scientific name for a fart.  Low and behold one of these two answers is somewhat correct.


I know right now you are scratching your head saying, “This is definitely not correct. Aurora borealis are beautiful lights that fill the night’s sky with amazing colors.”  This is true, however, where do these colors come from?


People throw around explanations like northern polar lights caused by the magnetic field or solar winds trapping red and green emissions from oxygen.  And again, these reasonings are somewhat correct.


The answer to this is actually really simple and has already been expressed.  Twice.  To show the true answer we must again go back to the root of each word.  ‘Aurora’ is the Roman goddess of the dawn.  Borealis comes from the Greek name, Boreas, which means north winds.  So basically, those beautiful colors are a direct reaction from some hot goddess’s fart. 


The ancient Cree people used to call the lights, the “Dance of the Spirits.”  Those spirits were not dancing, they just had to poop.