What Would I Do With My Bonus Money If I Was An AIG Exec?

18 03 2009

Government Bonus Money

By: S. Andrews
First of all I’m going to pretend that my rank in the company is around 10, low enough to not be held accountable for this mess, but high enough to totally reap the rewards of an unjust system. Therefore according to my calculations (which by the way are non-existent and totally random) I’m guessing that I would have received about $25 million. So here are the top 10 investments I would make with my $25 million in AIG bonuses…..(These are rated in no particular order).

10. Star in my own rap video – I’ve always wanted to star in my own Gangsta rap video where I’m the one with the scantily clad ho’s in the hot tub popping bubbly and wiping the sweat off my brow with Benjamins. The video would be about my cold blooded revenge on a rival gang memba who disrespected me by walking past my freshly made gingerbread house and crushed it under his size 10 ½ Timberland boot.

9. Purchase a Tiger – I’m not usually a cat fan, but seriously tigers are freakin cool. They’re like orange zebra’s that look like cats and they can kill you.

8. Start a Club – I would start a Medieval, fantasy role playing club called the Kings Cockles. Where rival groups represent far off distant lands and battle for the crown of Darwitha, a fantasy land inhabited by trolls, gnomes, and dragons which is rich in fertile soil and valuable resources. Of course this is all pretend. But it’s fun to pretend. Yippee!!

7. Install a Gold Toilet in my Bathroom – Nothing says “F-U taxpayers” like buying a solid gold toilet.

6. Purchase a HybridHey I may be corrupt and greedy but I still care about the environment. And now that Obama and Geitner are back pedaling to re-coop this money, I need to invest in items that will allow me to take advantage of tax write off’s.

5. Purchase a Delorean – I saw a guy driving one of these the other day and I forgot they existed. Now I have a sudden urge to rent the Back to the Future series. I think it would be cool to dress up like Doc Brown and roll up to the ladies and drop lines like “Hey baby do you want to see my flux capacitor?” or “Hey sweet thang can I give you a jiggawatt massage?”

4. Rent out a Pirate Ship for the weekend – How cool would it be to go deep sea fishing on a pirate ship with all your friends and a bunch of beer. I think while I had the Pirate Ship I would try and make another rap video about pirates. I’ve never seen this before and I think it would be a big hit!

3. Purchase Billboard Space – What better way to say thanks to our government than to purchase billboard space in D.C. with a picture of me taking a bath in $100 dolla dolla billz ya’ll.

2. Gamble – I would gamble the hell out of some of my bonus money. I love craps and I loveth the Vegas!

1. Buy a Katana – No not the crotch rocket motorcycle, I’m talking about the Japanese weapon of choice…..The Katana. A blade of honor and glory and is so sharp you can chop up just about anything. You can also deflect bullets with a Katana. People in movies do it all the time. Screw Ginsu knives, give me a katana.




One response

18 03 2009
On the Money

Ah, if only we had Sarah Palin …

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