Is Janet Reno a Woman?

19 04 2009

By: Dickey T

It’s funny that this question was asked by one of our readers, because of the slight relationship I personally have with Janet Reno.  Those who know Janet call her Big J.  I was introduced to Janet Reno (Big J) at a Chicago Cubs game.  Back in 1997 my season tickets where two rows up from Big J’s, and let me tell you something Reno is a huge Cubs fan.  There is nothing like hearing the Attorney General yelling, “He was out, you F*%king ump, put your glasses on…you ass!”


Through the season we had small talk about the Cubs, how they were playing, which under cover had the sniper rifle, and whether Newt Gingrich was gay or not…you know the norm.  About half way through the season I started noticing Janet leaving for the seventh inning stretch.  I wondered if it was her scheduled pee break or if she didn’t like to sing “Take me out to the ballgame,” I didn’t know what it was; but I do know a true Cubs fan sings the damn song during the 7th inning stretch.  The longer the season went on the more this started to really piss me off.


It was the last week of the season and the Cubs were completely out of it.  The game was more of a drinking affair than anything else at this point.  After 5 tall boys, I decided I would make my move and follow Big J during the stretch.  Sure enough, seventh inning and up Reno went. I was hot on her heals; right turn, left turn, around the fat guy with three hot dogs, and into a door saying ‘PERSONEL ONLY.”  From a distance, I saw Big J look into a mirror and put something on her face.  She then entered a little room and picked up a microphone and began to sing, and not just any old song—-THE SONG, with the same voice as Harry Caray. 


That’s when it hit me.  Janet Reno is not a woman, she is a he and he is actually Harry Caray.  The Harry Caray!  I know your saying this is all crap, however, the next time you see Janet Reno on TV, listen real carefully.  You’ll hear it.  Harry Caray is not dead, he is actually the ex-attorney general.  Ask Will Farrell he’ll tell yeah the same thing.Janet Reno is Harry Caray

Magic Johnson Has Been HIV Positive Since 1991, What Type Of HIV Does That Dude Have???

15 04 2009
RFHIV Hitting it inside Magic Johnson

RFHIV Hitting it inside Magic Johnson

By: S. Andrews
This question was submitted to us by one of readers about a month ago. I think this is a fantastic question and one that should not go unanswered.  It took me a little while to answer due to intense medical research sessions and the intense legal battle to subpoena Mr. Johnson’s medical records, which was much tougher than anticipated. After examining Magic Johnson’s file with a fine tooth comb, I’ve come to the conclusion that Magic has a very rare and acute form of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus. This particular strand of HIV is common in places like Jamaica, Mexico, and basements hidden by false floors and walls throughout suburban America. This brand of HIV also often goes by the name of R.F.H.I.V. which stands for Rastafari Human Immunodeficiency Virus.

You see, RFHIV is the particular HIV that after contracted gets into your system and instead of getting down to the business of destroying your immune system and turning into AIDS, RFHIV just sits around like a lazy fat slob, chillin on your liver or pancreas and smokes weed all day while listening to Bob Marley and other popular Rastafari Bands. Often times the RFHIV will invite other compadre’s  like Herpes Simplex 1 and Syphilis to cruise on over for a fun and relaxed day of hitting the bong and enjoying a bag of Funyuns. If they’re really lucky sometimes they can get their old pal and 8-time Olympic gold medal winner Michael Phelps to come by and bring the “the good hash” (I’m told he found a really good supplier in China).

In the medical realm, RFHIV is often characterized as the “slacker” virus which the likes of Small Pox, Scarlet Fever, Eboli and more importantly HIV (RFHIV’s overachieved older sibling) are not very fond of. Can you blame them? While these killer viruses are doing their will to destroy mankind, RFHIV can’t seem to get off the potato chip covered spleen and get the job done.

In conclusion, I imagine Magic Johnson transmitted this strand of HIV while vacationing in beautiful Jamaica. My theory is he got high one night and had his way with several beautiful, RFHIV infected Jamaican women. RFHIV will often take 20 to 30 years to become motivated enough to pursue its destiny of death. However in about 2% of reported cases around the world, RFHIV will lay dormant inside one’s body and live the life of a hippie tree huggin stoner virus and will never complete the job it was born to do. It seems as though Mr. Magic’s case seems to fall in the rare category of HIV cases which explains why he continues to remain un-phased by the HIV virus.