WHERE IS TIGER WOODS?

26 01 2010

By: Rooney
As we are all aware Tiger Woods has managed to completely fall off the face of the earth after revealing multiple “transgressions” following his unfortunate late night car accident on Thanksgiving 2009. So many questions and so few answers have followed this strange situation, and it is mind boggling to think how Tiger has managed to stay hidden in a society over populated with paparazzi and whistle blowers. Thus, it begs the question “Where is Tiger Woods and why can’t we find him?”

We here at “SATGQ” think that there are WAYYYYY to many theories and guesses regarding Tiger’s whereabouts. That said, we want to open up the soapbox to you, our handful of loyal readers, and see what crazy and ridiculous ideas or guesses you can come up with.

This is your best chance to weigh in on this bizarre topic. Just comment with your answer and we will post the TOP 10 at the end of the week for everyone to enjoy!

C’mon give it your best shot!!!





WHAT IS A STAR REGISTRY?

20 01 2010

By: S. Andrews
Ok, I have wasted plenty of money in my lifetime on some questionable items and events. There was that one time when I spent $150 on one of those electronic ab stimulators that are supposed to give you rock hard abs without breaking a sweat. I thought what could be better? I can get rock hard abs while continuing to drink beer and watch football on my couch. However, like with all things, it was too good to be true. Instead of rock hard abs, I gained an extra 15 lbs and everytime I ran the microwave I would lose consciousness and shart myself.  Then there was that time when I thought it would be cool to get in touch with my inner hip hop and I dropped $60 bones on a Ray Allen Celtics jersey which never fit right and seemed to give me a rash on my chest every time I wore it. And let’s not forget that time when I spent $90 to wrestle 3 midgets at one time in a kiddie pool filled with strawberry jelly at a local bar.  That actually was a well spent $90….I’ve never felt so alive in my life. But never ever will you see me waste a single cent to name a star after someone.

I know what you are thinking, “What the hell are you talking about? Naming a star after someone?”  Trust me, I thought the same thing. I was first introduced to star registries during a routine car trip. While listening to my favorite sports talk radio station an ad came on informing me that I could spend my hard earned money to name a star after someone. My first instinct was, this is a joke! Who in their right mind would spend money to register a star after someone’s name? It’s not like the Adopt a Highway program. That actually makes sense. A civic group adopting a stretch of road in order to keep the area free of trash, debris and maintaining the integrity of the environment. I can even see adopting a tree or purchasing and planting a tree in a person’s name.  At least that is contributing to environmental maintenance. But registering a star? How in God’s Great Universe do you have the authority to register a star?

Why would anyone want to have a star named after them? I can see the scenario playing out now………..

GIFT GIVERS:     “Hey Jim, for your birthday, Sally and I invested $150 to name a star in honor of you.  With this gift, you get a 12”x16” parchment certificate that showcases your name and birth  date!”

JIM:  “H-O-L-Y C-R-A-P………NOOOOOO F-in WAAAYYYY? I get a picture of a star with my name on it?”

GIFT GIVERS:  “Yep, and it also comes with its very own telescopic coordinates, so that you can find your way to your star!”

JIM:  “NOOOO Sh*t!  Thank you both, this has to be the best gift I’ve ever received. I can’t think of a better way to spend $150 dollars!”

JIM’s BRAIN:  “WTF is this……..a star? What in the hell can I do with this? Thanks douchebags. You could have at least bought me something less queer than this……..like $150 worth of ice or mulch or hell even 10 cases of PBR. Thanks for nothing, you bunch inbred rejects!”

I know there are some pretty stupid people out there, but if anyone in their right mind actually spends money on this crap, they should be thrown in jail, because they’re useless to society.





WHICH ANIMAL HAS THE WORST DEFENSE MECHANISM?

15 01 2010

By: Rooney
Animals are born and bred with all kinds of interesting defense mechanisms – dogs bite, cats scratch, skunks spray their ass perfume, porcupines sink their quills in, jellyfish sting, and so on…..

But, I was thinking about this yesterday and, hands down, the worst defense mechanism award has to go to the female worker Bee. For those of you who have never heard this before, when a female worker bee stings you they will die within a matter of hours, no matter what! I mean seriously, how much does that suck? To me, the whole purpose of possessing a defense mechanism is to keep your self safe, protect from attack, and prevent death. But Nooooo….not for the unfortunate lady worker bee.

Imagine your self as a Mama worker Bee just chilling up in your honeycomb on a Saturday afternoon after a grueling week of hard labor. All of the sudden, you are confronted by a big ass, hairy black bear who has recently developed a sweet tooth and decided he is in the mood for some honey. You’re startled by intense scratching and grunting and your comb is registering 10.0 quakes on the Richter scale as this black bear tries to weasel his way through your front door. Your baby bees are all whining and scared, Papa Bee is out buzzing around somewhere, and you are all alone to deal with this monster – what do you do?

Naturally, any one would jump up, grab a Louisville Slugger, 9 iron, or a shot gun and go after the intruder – not the Mama worker Bee. Equipped with only one option, the Mama worker Bee must rely on her pointy, barbed stinger to get the black bear off her front porch. But, ain’t it a bitch to suddenly realize “If I sting this bear I’m going to die”…? All of your instincts and all of your emotions channel every ounce of your energy to stinging the living piss out of that damn bear, but in the end you will only find your self dead. Your beloved baby bees will be motherless and Papa Bee will come home to find you stingerless, wilting, and gasping your last few breaths of life on earth. Talk about a sad state of affairs resulting from simply trying to save your self, your family, and your home.

It’s unfortunate how heartless Mother Nature can be sometimes. To take a life to save a life is an inconsiderate and shameful act. And while the bulk of this teaching may be somber and hard to fathom, it is at least comforting to know that Papa Bee can sting the hell out of you as much as he wants and live to see another day. If I were that black bear I would be quick to recall an old Klingon Proverb – “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

Good thing for hibernation.





WHY DID LANE KIFFIN JUMP SHIP TO USC?

13 01 2010

By: S. Andrews
What a crazy month in college football! First Tim Tebow cries like a baby after a thrashing from Alabama (which eventually went on to claim the National Championship). Then his coach Urban Myer resigns, then changes his mind then flip flops about his decision more than a hungry pregnant woman. Next, Texas quarterback Colt McCoy is knocked out of the Championship game after the first series, on a hit that didn’t seem all too bad leaving a true freshman quarterback to play his first game for National Championship against the nations #1 defense Now, Lane Kiffin gives Tennessee the ole Bobby Petrino screw job and leaves for USC after just 14 months in the toothless rocky top town of Knoxville.

So what gives? Why did Kiffin scram from the inbred hills of Rocky Top for the topless beaches of SO-CAL? Was it because his recruiting hostesses looked more like his offensive line than a like an army of hot college co-eds? Was it because of the licking he took from the Gators after months of pre-season smack talk?

Nope, it’s none of these; the real reason Kiffin jumped ship to USC is because of the Cocaine. Seriously it’s SO-CAL people, the place where your wildest fantasies come true. The place where college quarterbacks party like rock stars with real rock stars who………wait for it…….like to dabble with the nose candy.  It’s the place where you can play 60 minutes of football and then frequent parties where strippers and kangaroos are a way of life, not an anomaly.

Just stop and think about it, would you rather coach players who get in trouble for robbing a convenience store on a lazy Friday night or coach players who get in trouble for snorting a kilo of cocaine while making out with 2 hot models in front of a dozen midgets (sorry….little people) during an all night frat house party where the main form of entertainment is a llama rodeo? I would take the llama rodeo in a heartbeat (mainly because I’ve never seen a llama rodeo before).

I know it was kind of…….well it was pretty dirty for Kiffin to put Tennessee in such a tight spot, but seriously people which would you rather have Moonshine or Cocaine?