20 01 2010

By: S. Andrews
Ok, I have wasted plenty of money in my lifetime on some questionable items and events. There was that one time when I spent $150 on one of those electronic ab stimulators that are supposed to give you rock hard abs without breaking a sweat. I thought what could be better? I can get rock hard abs while continuing to drink beer and watch football on my couch. However, like with all things, it was too good to be true. Instead of rock hard abs, I gained an extra 15 lbs and everytime I ran the microwave I would lose consciousness and shart myself.  Then there was that time when I thought it would be cool to get in touch with my inner hip hop and I dropped $60 bones on a Ray Allen Celtics jersey which never fit right and seemed to give me a rash on my chest every time I wore it. And let’s not forget that time when I spent $90 to wrestle 3 midgets at one time in a kiddie pool filled with strawberry jelly at a local bar.  That actually was a well spent $90….I’ve never felt so alive in my life. But never ever will you see me waste a single cent to name a star after someone.

I know what you are thinking, “What the hell are you talking about? Naming a star after someone?”  Trust me, I thought the same thing. I was first introduced to star registries during a routine car trip. While listening to my favorite sports talk radio station an ad came on informing me that I could spend my hard earned money to name a star after someone. My first instinct was, this is a joke! Who in their right mind would spend money to register a star after someone’s name? It’s not like the Adopt a Highway program. That actually makes sense. A civic group adopting a stretch of road in order to keep the area free of trash, debris and maintaining the integrity of the environment. I can even see adopting a tree or purchasing and planting a tree in a person’s name.  At least that is contributing to environmental maintenance. But registering a star? How in God’s Great Universe do you have the authority to register a star?

Why would anyone want to have a star named after them? I can see the scenario playing out now………..

GIFT GIVERS:     “Hey Jim, for your birthday, Sally and I invested $150 to name a star in honor of you.  With this gift, you get a 12”x16” parchment certificate that showcases your name and birth  date!”

JIM:  “H-O-L-Y C-R-A-P………NOOOOOO F-in WAAAYYYY? I get a picture of a star with my name on it?”

GIFT GIVERS:  “Yep, and it also comes with its very own telescopic coordinates, so that you can find your way to your star!”

JIM:  “NOOOO Sh*t!  Thank you both, this has to be the best gift I’ve ever received. I can’t think of a better way to spend $150 dollars!”

JIM’s BRAIN:  “WTF is this……..a star? What in the hell can I do with this? Thanks douchebags. You could have at least bought me something less queer than this……..like $150 worth of ice or mulch or hell even 10 cases of PBR. Thanks for nothing, you bunch inbred rejects!”

I know there are some pretty stupid people out there, but if anyone in their right mind actually spends money on this crap, they should be thrown in jail, because they’re useless to society.




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