17 02 2010

Seriously, what is so fascinating about The Cheesecake Factory? My wife and I stopped in on Valentine’s Day after dinner to grab a slice of cheesecake To-Go and the place was a freaking zoo! First, I had to drop my wife off to run in and get in line because I couldn’t find a parking spot within a half mile of the place. You would have thought Michael Jackson rose up from the dead and was holding a concert inside.

Once I parked and met her inside we waited about 15 minutes at the To-Go area to snag a slice of Chocolate Coconut cheesecake. That’s when I thought I was going to die. I was getting pelted by heart shaped balloons, everyone was fixated on their iPhones and Blackberries, and my precious white Nike’s were being trampled over like a 90 year old woman on crutches during the running of the bulls. Plus, I couldn’t even hear myself think it was so loud in there.

The cheesecake was good, I will give them that. But, the food? Well, the food in my opinion is mediocre at best. Just awful! That’s probably because their menu is bigger than my senior yearbook. How in the world can they serve fresh, halfway decent food when they have to stock a thousand different items daily? They must have an underground fridge the size of the governor’s mansion or something.

Truth is, The Cheesecake Factory is always slammed, and I don’t know why. Personally, I have never been there without having to wait at least than an hour for a table. No way am I going to sit there and wait in the circus lobby for mediocre food. Easily, you would have to plan out 3 hours minimum to eat at this place. Forget that noise!

The only credit I will give The Brutalcake Factory goes to the host and hostesses. They seriously must have some sort of degree in logistics to run that place and get people seated. I would be interested to see what the turn over rate for that position is. There has to be a new crop coming and going every month. Just too much stress to deal with. I know I could only take so much of hundreds of people staring at me every night and getting cranky while they wonder when their buzzer is going to vibrate.

Sad thing is, once the buzzer vibrates all they have to look forward to is thumbing through a novel to decide what’s for dinner and eating a less than average meal.

But, the cheesecake is good.


12 02 2010

Tea Party

According to wikipedia, the Tea Party movement is a United State Conservative and libertarian protest movement that raises the concern that corporate america has control over certain people and they listen to made up stories which emerged in early 2009 partially in response to the federal government’s stimulus package and health care plan.

The movement originated in anti-tax protests and arose in response to the increase in the national debt as a result of the stimulus package, as well as the reaction to increases in home mortgage foreclosures despite TARP bailout money paid to the banks.

The tea party has stolen its name from ‘the real’ Boston Tea Party, which we all learned about in 5th grade.  For all you idiots out there who didn’ t pay attention to Ms. Franklin; basically a bunch of people dressed up as Indians, sorry, Native Americans and threw tea into the Boston Harbor. 

Many argue this tea party movement will have an impact on politics, not seen in current times.  This is far from the truth and further from the reason people start the Tea Party Movement.  That reason is pirates!

That’s right people– pirates are the reason for the Tea Party movement.  Well, pirates and colonial dress.  I mean the attire worn is pretty friggin sweet at these stupid events.  Indian outfits are cool, but pirate outfits just rock.  Some outfits actually made Johnny Depp jealous.  People argue its the politics, its not, its pirates.  I mean, who doesn’t like dressing up like a pirate.  ARRRRRGGGHH! Quick, fetch me a parrot and my wood leg—-wench!


9 02 2010

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. So are the cheesy, retarded jewelry commercials.

There I was watching “The Bachelor – On the Wings of Love” and this Kay Jewelers commercial begins with a couple looking out of the living room window in a huge, secluded cabin watching a low budget thunderstorm pass through. All of the sudden a lightning bolt crashes and the woman jumps and falls into the arms of her lover, to which he replies “It’s OK, I’m right here…..and I always will be.” Then he pulls out this ‘Love’s Embrace’ necklace and she absolutely melts all over the floor. The woman wraps her arms around him and looks him deep in the eyes and says “Don’t let go…..ever!”

The necklace starts at $79.99. Really? That makes you melt, lady?

Notice the title of that video – “Every Kiss begins with…Stab!” That is precisely what I was thinking as I watched this commercial. First of all, that storm they were weathering was pretty intense. Nice job by the production crew, I was totally scared for them. Second, nice cabin, dude. Third, nice hair, duuuuude. Fourth, why the hell are you standing by a huge window during a thunderstorm? If you are at a remote cabin surrounded by trees during a severe thunderstorm that is the last place you should be, unless you want to personally greet the pine tree that is about to come crashing through after a bolt of lightning splits it in half! This commercial is sketchy on so many fronts that I was honestly waiting for Jason to pop out waiving a chainsaw at them. That would have been fitting.

There are some other cheesy jewelry commercials out there, like this one from JCPenney. But, without a doubt, Jared’s Jewelers take top honors for the most retarded commercials. We’ve all seen their commercials, and who can forget the famous slogan “He went to Jared!” This funny spoof on the famous commercials proves how over the top and out of hand this slogan has gotten. And, with all the cheesy, poorly acted commercials in their portfolio, it makes me kind of question their credibility. The fact that “He went to Jared’s” has become such a laughable phrase makes me wonder what kind of response a guy gets when he gives his lady friend a piece of jewelry in a Jared’s box?

Does she chuckle? Do a double take?

Does she say “OMG, you went to Jared…hahahaha”?

Why does Jared’s continue to use this slogan in such cheesy ways? If this perception is true, isn’t that kind of degrading your own product, Jared?

Let’s spin it this way for a moment – women would probably be less inclined to shop at a hardware store that aired commercials portraying them as bumbling and insecure when buying a power tool for their man, then glorifying the purchase by showing her man tapping beer bottles with his gay buddies who all wish she was their girl because she got him a cordless drill and a set of drill bits.

To that effect, it’s not the quality of the product at Jared’s — I should know, they have some of my money. Rather, the marketing of the product at Jared’s is what is backwards. Their marketing campaign is so damn cheesy that it makes us guys think twice about stepping foot into their stores. I admit, I was hesitant at first. It got better after they offered me a free bottle of spring water.

They need to turn it around so that women will think men shop at Jared’s because we know what were doing and we know what we want (even though we really don’t), not because they are the last resort. “He went to Jared’s” is the universal confession that men procrastinate their asses off and have no where else to turn when they’re under pressure. Unfortunate, but true.

Besides, if I feel uncomfortable watching a Jared’s commercial with my wife and we both end up laughing when its over, you know there is something wrong and they can’t be taken seriously.

Then again, the mere fact that this post exists is proof that cheesy marketing by jewelry companies is working.

We just haven’t figured out if it’s working in their favor or not.


P.S. Here is the poem that is used to market the ‘Loves Embrace’ necklace:

While the world may change at a hectic pace

Were safe and secure in loves embrace

Its gentle arms will keep us warm

And carry us through the coldest storm

And hold us close for all of time

Cherished and adored in a love sublime

Two hearts as one in a perfect place

Wrapped forever in love’s embrace

…I’m speechless

Is Santa Claus a Republican or a Democrat?

6 02 2010

Santa Claus

By: Dickey T

The initial argument here is that Santa Claus is a Republican.  He wears a bright RED suit!  That in itself must prove he is on the Red side. Not to mention he is fat as an elephant.  The elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party.  And lastly, Santa and Rush Limbaugh are roughly the same weight.  That makes three indicators, that he is republican.

On the other hand, Santa does ‘hand out,’ gifts, and giving hand outs is a known trait of the Democrats.   Santa is also the leader over the elves—aahh, sorry—little people.   He is also against Global warming.  If the North Pole melts, Santa and Mrs. Claus are homeless.

HOWEVER…..Santa DOES NOT fly on private jets, (well he kind of does). Santa DOES NOT fly to Argentina to cheat on Mrs. Claus, (well he might, have you seen those female helpers at the mall). Santa DOES NOT give more toys to those who bribe him with oil money, (do cookies count)?  Santa DOES NOT take extremely long vacations why the rest of work hard all year, (he really only works one day a year). Santa DOES NOT surround himself with other men dressed in suits, (back to the elves). Santa DOES NOT put you in debt because of material greed, (presents)! Santa DOES NOT look you in the eye and ask you what you want and then sneak in your back door and give you what he thinks you should have, (wait a second).

HOLY CRAP—Santa is a politician, except he has bridged the divide and is fooling all of us.  Santa isn’t Republican or Democrat. He’s a Dictator of huge proportions!


2 02 2010

(drum roll begins)…

And now, we bring to you the TOP 10 answers to the great question “Where is Tiger Woods?”

Zipping around on the Virgin Galactic Spaceship

Tiger has the cash and Space is an excellent place to get away from it all, so why not be an Astronaut for a few months? I am sure Richard Branson offered Tiger a few months free rent on his super lush private island, Necker, but Tiger said, “nah, I want to orbit around the planet that I dominate.” Despite reports of undergoing sex rehab, Tiger still finds a way to be cocky.

The Sizzler

With a possible divorce settlement worth millions on the horizon, TW is being proactive by testing out some thrifty dining establishments when the time comes to fend for himself. We all know his go-to for breakfast is IHOP, and with a $9.99 Steak and endless salad bar meal deal I believe The Sizzler could take top honors for Dinner. Golden Corral isn’t bad either, but can be hit or miss sometimes.

The Desert of Dubai

Since TW has a golf course project in Dubai, I figure he could be somewhere in the desert of the United Arab Emirates. While offering peace and quiet, the desert also gives TW an opportunity to work on his sand game. Well played, Tiger, you prefectionist S.O.B.!

Overdosed on Ambien

Speculation of Ambien abuse has led me to believe that Tiger may be face down somewhere counting sheep. Or, better yet, maybe the makers of Ambien brought him into the lab for some new product testing? ZZZZZZZZZ…..

Working at Medieval Times

Well, if you have to hide then why not hide behind some flashy chain mail? Plus, you can joust against other Knights, ride horses, and eat some tasty turkey legs afterwards. If I were the King, though, I would keep an eye on the Princess. I hear that Red & Black Knight is quite the renaissance man.

Area 51

You’d be hard pressed to find a more secure, tight lipped locale than Area 51 in Roswell, New Mexico. Tiger has always been touted as being “superhuman”, so maybe this is a home away from home for him?


Tiger has always been a giving man, just ask his mistresses. But, when it comes to charity, TW just can’t resist getting involved. It’s very possible that Tiger has traded his riches for some rags and is peddling around Haiti helping pass out food and TigerAde to the earthquake victims.

Remote Buddhist Monastery

Tiger has always been a student of Buddhist teachings, given his mother is from Thailand. So, maybe he is at some remote Buddhist camp sitting Indian style eating rice and reflecting on his transgressions. Ohmmmmmmm…..

Fargo, North Dakota

Fargo? Seriously? Why would anyone want to go to Fargo, North Dakota?

My point exactly! It’s the dead of winter and what better way to get away from everyone than go somewhere where nobody wants to visit!

Snooki’s Basement

Tiger heard Snooki has a thing for guys with big muscles who like to fist pump and get crunk in hot tubs, and she heard he has a thing for chicks that wind up on sleazy reality shows. This is a win-win for both, and we all know Tiger loves winning!