9 02 2010

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. So are the cheesy, retarded jewelry commercials.

There I was watching “The Bachelor – On the Wings of Love” and this Kay Jewelers commercial begins with a couple looking out of the living room window in a huge, secluded cabin watching a low budget thunderstorm pass through. All of the sudden a lightning bolt crashes and the woman jumps and falls into the arms of her lover, to which he replies “It’s OK, I’m right here…..and I always will be.” Then he pulls out this ‘Love’s Embrace’ necklace and she absolutely melts all over the floor. The woman wraps her arms around him and looks him deep in the eyes and says “Don’t let go…..ever!”

The necklace starts at $79.99. Really? That makes you melt, lady?

Notice the title of that video – “Every Kiss begins with…Stab!” That is precisely what I was thinking as I watched this commercial. First of all, that storm they were weathering was pretty intense. Nice job by the production crew, I was totally scared for them. Second, nice cabin, dude. Third, nice hair, duuuuude. Fourth, why the hell are you standing by a huge window during a thunderstorm? If you are at a remote cabin surrounded by trees during a severe thunderstorm that is the last place you should be, unless you want to personally greet the pine tree that is about to come crashing through after a bolt of lightning splits it in half! This commercial is sketchy on so many fronts that I was honestly waiting for Jason to pop out waiving a chainsaw at them. That would have been fitting.

There are some other cheesy jewelry commercials out there, like this one from JCPenney. But, without a doubt, Jared’s Jewelers take top honors for the most retarded commercials. We’ve all seen their commercials, and who can forget the famous slogan “He went to Jared!” This funny spoof on the famous commercials proves how over the top and out of hand this slogan has gotten. And, with all the cheesy, poorly acted commercials in their portfolio, it makes me kind of question their credibility. The fact that “He went to Jared’s” has become such a laughable phrase makes me wonder what kind of response a guy gets when he gives his lady friend a piece of jewelry in a Jared’s box?

Does she chuckle? Do a double take?

Does she say “OMG, you went to Jared…hahahaha”?

Why does Jared’s continue to use this slogan in such cheesy ways? If this perception is true, isn’t that kind of degrading your own product, Jared?

Let’s spin it this way for a moment – women would probably be less inclined to shop at a hardware store that aired commercials portraying them as bumbling and insecure when buying a power tool for their man, then glorifying the purchase by showing her man tapping beer bottles with his gay buddies who all wish she was their girl because she got him a cordless drill and a set of drill bits.

To that effect, it’s not the quality of the product at Jared’s — I should know, they have some of my money. Rather, the marketing of the product at Jared’s is what is backwards. Their marketing campaign is so damn cheesy that it makes us guys think twice about stepping foot into their stores. I admit, I was hesitant at first. It got better after they offered me a free bottle of spring water.

They need to turn it around so that women will think men shop at Jared’s because we know what were doing and we know what we want (even though we really don’t), not because they are the last resort. “He went to Jared’s” is the universal confession that men procrastinate their asses off and have no where else to turn when they’re under pressure. Unfortunate, but true.

Besides, if I feel uncomfortable watching a Jared’s commercial with my wife and we both end up laughing when its over, you know there is something wrong and they can’t be taken seriously.

Then again, the mere fact that this post exists is proof that cheesy marketing by jewelry companies is working.

We just haven’t figured out if it’s working in their favor or not.


P.S. Here is the poem that is used to market the ‘Loves Embrace’ necklace:

While the world may change at a hectic pace

Were safe and secure in loves embrace

Its gentle arms will keep us warm

And carry us through the coldest storm

And hold us close for all of time

Cherished and adored in a love sublime

Two hearts as one in a perfect place

Wrapped forever in love’s embrace

…I’m speechless




3 responses

9 02 2010

Every kiss begins with GAY. Those jewelry ads are so cheesy they should be be poured over stadium nachos. I’ve seen the ad you’re talking about, and seriously, that guy makes Bill Pullman look like Sir Laurence Olivier. If I delivered a line like that to Lindsay, I’m pretty sure she would only stop laughing long enough to hold me while I cry away my shame. What a loser. And what’s up with running all those ads during The Bachelor? Are we supposed to be inspired by a show based on contrived love to go get an impulse fiancee? Why can’t the ads be more straightforward…like this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=394U9DhgEXE?

9 02 2010

Here’s a more appropriate poem:

Love is good and love is grand,
But let’s be honest, he’s a man.
You want to think he loves your mind,
But eyes are drawn to your behind.

Here’s a necklace, hope it fits.
He ought to give you oven mitts.
Keep him full and he’ll be back.
Till he gets a heart attack.

Worry not, my gentle lamb,
You can find another man.
Knowing “good enough” will work,
You can marry any jerk.

It’s been said, time and again,
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.
If only jewels can make you glow,
They’re the only friends you’ll know.

7 03 2010
Phoenix Aquua

too funny so true….

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