2 02 2010

(drum roll begins)…

And now, we bring to you the TOP 10 answers to the great question “Where is Tiger Woods?”

Zipping around on the Virgin Galactic Spaceship

Tiger has the cash and Space is an excellent place to get away from it all, so why not be an Astronaut for a few months? I am sure Richard Branson offered Tiger a few months free rent on his super lush private island, Necker, but Tiger said, “nah, I want to orbit around the planet that I dominate.” Despite reports of undergoing sex rehab, Tiger still finds a way to be cocky.

The Sizzler

With a possible divorce settlement worth millions on the horizon, TW is being proactive by testing out some thrifty dining establishments when the time comes to fend for himself. We all know his go-to for breakfast is IHOP, and with a $9.99 Steak and endless salad bar meal deal I believe The Sizzler could take top honors for Dinner. Golden Corral isn’t bad either, but can be hit or miss sometimes.

The Desert of Dubai

Since TW has a golf course project in Dubai, I figure he could be somewhere in the desert of the United Arab Emirates. While offering peace and quiet, the desert also gives TW an opportunity to work on his sand game. Well played, Tiger, you prefectionist S.O.B.!

Overdosed on Ambien

Speculation of Ambien abuse has led me to believe that Tiger may be face down somewhere counting sheep. Or, better yet, maybe the makers of Ambien brought him into the lab for some new product testing? ZZZZZZZZZ…..

Working at Medieval Times

Well, if you have to hide then why not hide behind some flashy chain mail? Plus, you can joust against other Knights, ride horses, and eat some tasty turkey legs afterwards. If I were the King, though, I would keep an eye on the Princess. I hear that Red & Black Knight is quite the renaissance man.

Area 51

You’d be hard pressed to find a more secure, tight lipped locale than Area 51 in Roswell, New Mexico. Tiger has always been touted as being “superhuman”, so maybe this is a home away from home for him?


Tiger has always been a giving man, just ask his mistresses. But, when it comes to charity, TW just can’t resist getting involved. It’s very possible that Tiger has traded his riches for some rags and is peddling around Haiti helping pass out food and TigerAde to the earthquake victims.

Remote Buddhist Monastery

Tiger has always been a student of Buddhist teachings, given his mother is from Thailand. So, maybe he is at some remote Buddhist camp sitting Indian style eating rice and reflecting on his transgressions. Ohmmmmmmm…..

Fargo, North Dakota

Fargo? Seriously? Why would anyone want to go to Fargo, North Dakota?

My point exactly! It’s the dead of winter and what better way to get away from everyone than go somewhere where nobody wants to visit!

Snooki’s Basement

Tiger heard Snooki has a thing for guys with big muscles who like to fist pump and get crunk in hot tubs, and she heard he has a thing for chicks that wind up on sleazy reality shows. This is a win-win for both, and we all know Tiger loves winning!


22 01 2009

By: S. Andrews
First of all any idiot knows that a quasar  (pronounced: kwā-zär ) according to Webster.com, is any of a class of celestial objects that resemble stars but whose large redshift and apparent brightness imply extreme distance and huge energy output.  Come on man…this is common knowledge that is taught in America’s flourishing public school system.

Before a factual and accurate definition of quasar can be discovered we must first explore the word by dissecting it into two distinct pieces….or parts for the lay person. First we must explore the word qua (pronounced: kwā ) which sounds somewhat similar to the word quatro which in Spanish means four or again for the amateur language artist THE NUMBER 4. Therefore qua in this sense of the word means 4 of something, but exactly what is something?

Next we need to investigate the word sar (pronounced: zär ) which sounds like czar means a Russian King or ruler of Russia not a ruler in Russia that you would use to measure a Russian bear or an AK-47 machine gun but a person who is control of Russia….you know his majesty the Russian Czar….or “I will do as you wish my Czar (King)”.

Therefore if we combine the two words qua and sar we come up with quasar which means a group of 4 little Russian Kings. Why are they little do you ask? Well little sounds better than just 4 Russian Kings so if you don’t like it than come up with your own post you bastard. To close, quasar is the term used when there are groups of 4 little Russian Kings running around Moscow trying to get the likes of Vladimir Putin and other heads of the Russian Parliament to do as they please. For example quasars have recently lobbied for their country to place them back upon the throne for years. In a recent article of Quasars Weekly – a monthly periodical of ruling instructions for groups of 4 small Russian Kings Nicholas II was quoted as saying (note: Please read with Russian accent) “If that winch Elizabeth from England and her pissy little grandsons William and Harry get all that attention, why can’t we implement the same system here in our great land of Russia…..I will brrrrreak them?”


Watch out for Quasar's