WHAT IS A STAR REGISTRY?

By: S. Andrews
Ok, I have wasted plenty of money in my lifetime on some questionable items and events. There was that one time when I spent $150 on one of those electronic ab stimulators that are supposed to give you rock hard abs without breaking a sweat. I thought what could be better? I can get rock hard abs while continuing to drink beer and watch football on my couch. However, like with all things, it was too good to be true. Instead of rock hard abs, I gained an extra 15 lbs and everytime I ran the microwave I would lose consciousness and shart myself.  Then there was that time when I thought it would be cool to get in touch with my inner hip hop and I dropped $60 bones on a Ray Allen Celtics jersey which never fit right and seemed to give me a rash on my chest every time I wore it. And let’s not forget that time when I spent $90 to wrestle 3 midgets at one time in a kiddie pool filled with strawberry jelly at a local bar.  That actually was a well spent $90….I’ve never felt so alive in my life. But never ever will you see me waste a single cent to name a star after someone.

I know what you are thinking, “What the hell are you talking about? Naming a star after someone?”  Trust me, I thought the same thing. I was first introduced to star registries during a routine car trip. While listening to my favorite sports talk radio station an ad came on informing me that I could spend my hard earned money to name a star after someone. My first instinct was, this is a joke! Who in their right mind would spend money to register a star after someone’s name? It’s not like the Adopt a Highway program. That actually makes sense. A civic group adopting a stretch of road in order to keep the area free of trash, debris and maintaining the integrity of the environment. I can even see adopting a tree or purchasing and planting a tree in a person’s name.  At least that is contributing to environmental maintenance. But registering a star? How in God’s Great Universe do you have the authority to register a star?

Why would anyone want to have a star named after them? I can see the scenario playing out now………..

GIFT GIVERS:     “Hey Jim, for your birthday, Sally and I invested $150 to name a star in honor of you.  With this gift, you get a 12”x16” parchment certificate that showcases your name and birth  date!”

JIM:  “H-O-L-Y C-R-A-P………NOOOOOO F-in WAAAYYYY? I get a picture of a star with my name on it?”

GIFT GIVERS:  “Yep, and it also comes with its very own telescopic coordinates, so that you can find your way to your star!”

JIM:  “NOOOO Sh*t!  Thank you both, this has to be the best gift I’ve ever received. I can’t think of a better way to spend $150 dollars!”

JIM’s BRAIN:  “WTF is this……..a star? What in the hell can I do with this? Thanks douchebags. You could have at least bought me something less queer than this……..like $150 worth of ice or mulch or hell even 10 cases of PBR. Thanks for nothing, you bunch inbred rejects!”

I know there are some pretty stupid people out there, but if anyone in their right mind actually spends money on this crap, they should be thrown in jail, because they’re useless to society.

WHICH ANIMAL HAS THE WORST DEFENSE MECHANISM?

By: Rooney
Animals are born and bred with all kinds of interesting defense mechanisms – dogs bite, cats scratch, skunks spray their ass perfume, porcupines sink their quills in, jellyfish sting, and so on…..

But, I was thinking about this yesterday and, hands down, the worst defense mechanism award has to go to the female worker Bee. For those of you who have never heard this before, when a female worker bee stings you they will die within a matter of hours, no matter what! I mean seriously, how much does that suck? To me, the whole purpose of possessing a defense mechanism is to keep your self safe, protect from attack, and prevent death. But Nooooo….not for the unfortunate lady worker bee.

Imagine your self as a Mama worker Bee just chilling up in your honeycomb on a Saturday afternoon after a grueling week of hard labor. All of the sudden, you are confronted by a big ass, hairy black bear who has recently developed a sweet tooth and decided he is in the mood for some honey. You’re startled by intense scratching and grunting and your comb is registering 10.0 quakes on the Richter scale as this black bear tries to weasel his way through your front door. Your baby bees are all whining and scared, Papa Bee is out buzzing around somewhere, and you are all alone to deal with this monster – what do you do?

Naturally, any one would jump up, grab a Louisville Slugger, 9 iron, or a shot gun and go after the intruder – not the Mama worker Bee. Equipped with only one option, the Mama worker Bee must rely on her pointy, barbed stinger to get the black bear off her front porch. But, ain’t it a bitch to suddenly realize “If I sting this bear I’m going to die”…? All of your instincts and all of your emotions channel every ounce of your energy to stinging the living piss out of that damn bear, but in the end you will only find your self dead. Your beloved baby bees will be motherless and Papa Bee will come home to find you stingerless, wilting, and gasping your last few breaths of life on earth. Talk about a sad state of affairs resulting from simply trying to save your self, your family, and your home.

It’s unfortunate how heartless Mother Nature can be sometimes. To take a life to save a life is an inconsiderate and shameful act. And while the bulk of this teaching may be somber and hard to fathom, it is at least comforting to know that Papa Bee can sting the hell out of you as much as he wants and live to see another day. If I were that black bear I would be quick to recall an old Klingon Proverb – “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

Good thing for hibernation.

WHY DID LANE KIFFIN JUMP SHIP TO USC?

By: S. Andrews
What a crazy month in college football! First Tim Tebow cries like a baby after a thrashing from Alabama (which eventually went on to claim the National Championship). Then his coach Urban Myer resigns, then changes his mind then flip flops about his decision more than a hungry pregnant woman. Next, Texas quarterback Colt McCoy is knocked out of the Championship game after the first series, on a hit that didn’t seem all too bad leaving a true freshman quarterback to play his first game for National Championship against the nations #1 defense Now, Lane Kiffin gives Tennessee the ole Bobby Petrino screw job and leaves for USC after just 14 months in the toothless rocky top town of Knoxville.

So what gives? Why did Kiffin scram from the inbred hills of Rocky Top for the topless beaches of SO-CAL? Was it because his recruiting hostesses looked more like his offensive line than a like an army of hot college co-eds? Was it because of the licking he took from the Gators after months of pre-season smack talk?

Nope, it’s none of these; the real reason Kiffin jumped ship to USC is because of the Cocaine. Seriously it’s SO-CAL people, the place where your wildest fantasies come true. The place where college quarterbacks party like rock stars with real rock stars who………wait for it…….like to dabble with the nose candy.  It’s the place where you can play 60 minutes of football and then frequent parties where strippers and kangaroos are a way of life, not an anomaly.

Just stop and think about it, would you rather coach players who get in trouble for robbing a convenience store on a lazy Friday night or coach players who get in trouble for snorting a kilo of cocaine while making out with 2 hot models in front of a dozen midgets (sorry….little people) during an all night frat house party where the main form of entertainment is a llama rodeo? I would take the llama rodeo in a heartbeat (mainly because I’ve never seen a llama rodeo before).

I know it was kind of…….well it was pretty dirty for Kiffin to put Tennessee in such a tight spot, but seriously people which would you rather have Moonshine or Cocaine?

What Do Broken Teeth Dreams Mean?

Broken Teeth Dream

By: S. Andrews

There many times when people wake up from dreams and then try to decipher what they actually mean. For example there is a popular myth that if you ever land on the ground after falling off of a cliff in your dream then you will die in real life. Is this true?……Well I tell you this I’ve fallen off of many things never hitting the ground in my dreams and I have always woken up to tell the tale.

There are many other examples that I’m sure are out there but I don’t really care to research them right now because frankly, I’d rather be doing something else with my time like consuming a tasty Fat Tire Beer. However, the above question did tickle my fancy and I felt like I should…….as an upstanding humanitarian…..decipher the meaning of broken teeth dreams. By the way, just like many theories there is often more than one answer so here we go…..

Theory #1:  It means your life is out of control. It seems as though losing all of your teeth in your dream means your life is spinning periously out of control which in reality causes your teeth to fall out, because subconciously, your concious is spinning so fast your teeth fall out. Therefore the antidisciplinarism establishment juxtaposes remarkably within the confines of the enamel of broken teeth. If you have a hard time understanding this theory than maybe you should go to college and study astrophysics. I believe they cover this in year 2.

Theory #2: It means that while in your dream you should go to a Target, Walmart, CVS, etc. to purchase some superglue and glue your teeth back in. Often times people like to read into things to much and there is usually a much simpler answer like this one……If your teeth fall out, glue them back in.

Theory #3: It means you are hungry for Chic-lets. Because white chic-lets bare so much resemblence to teeth, perhaps one who is dreaming this dream has a deep desire to chew some chic-let chewing gum.

Theory #4: It means that before you wake up, you have to go to the dentist to get them fixed. Otherwise you will have lost your teeth in dreamworld forever. After many complicated sleep studies performed by very smart Harvard doctors, it has been concluded that if you break your teeth in a dream and wake up with out getting them fixed, then everytime you dream from that day on you will not have any teeth in your dreams ever again. And you can’t get them fixed, the damage is permanent. You can however, purchase dentures in your following dreams but they are very expensive and it’s been concluded that money in dream world is not valuable. This finding is comparable to the Mexican Peso in real life.

Theory #5: It means that the groundhog will see his shadow and there will be 6 more months of winter.

Magic Johnson Has Been HIV Positive Since 1991, What Type Of HIV Does That Dude Have???

RFHIV Hitting it inside Magic Johnson

By: S. Andrews
This question was submitted to us by one of readers about a month ago. I think this is a fantastic question and one that should not go unanswered.  It took me a little while to answer due to intense medical research sessions and the intense legal battle to subpoena Mr. Johnson’s medical records, which was much tougher than anticipated. After examining Magic Johnson’s file with a fine tooth comb, I’ve come to the conclusion that Magic has a very rare and acute form of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus. This particular strand of HIV is common in places like Jamaica, Mexico, and basements hidden by false floors and walls throughout suburban America. This brand of HIV also often goes by the name of R.F.H.I.V. which stands for Rastafari Human Immunodeficiency Virus.

You see, RFHIV is the particular HIV that after contracted gets into your system and instead of getting down to the business of destroying your immune system and turning into AIDS, RFHIV just sits around like a lazy fat slob, chillin on your liver or pancreas and smokes weed all day while listening to Bob Marley and other popular Rastafari Bands. Often times the RFHIV will invite other compadre’s  like Herpes Simplex 1 and Syphilis to cruise on over for a fun and relaxed day of hitting the bong and enjoying a bag of Funyuns. If they’re really lucky sometimes they can get their old pal and 8-time Olympic gold medal winner Michael Phelps to come by and bring the “the good hash” (I’m told he found a really good supplier in China).

In the medical realm, RFHIV is often characterized as the “slacker” virus which the likes of Small Pox, Scarlet Fever, Eboli and more importantly HIV (RFHIV’s overachieved older sibling) are not very fond of. Can you blame them? While these killer viruses are doing their will to destroy mankind, RFHIV can’t seem to get off the potato chip covered spleen and get the job done.

In conclusion, I imagine Magic Johnson transmitted this strand of HIV while vacationing in beautiful Jamaica. My theory is he got high one night and had his way with several beautiful, RFHIV infected Jamaican women. RFHIV will often take 20 to 30 years to become motivated enough to pursue its destiny of death. However in about 2% of reported cases around the world, RFHIV will lay dormant inside one’s body and live the life of a hippie tree huggin stoner virus and will never complete the job it was born to do. It seems as though Mr. Magic’s case seems to fall in the rare category of HIV cases which explains why he continues to remain un-phased by the HIV virus.

WHY DO CYCLISTS AND CASUAL WALKERS THINK THEY OWN THE ROAD?

By: Rooney
I live in a pretty big city, and while it has its perks, there is one gargantuan pet peeve that I have come to manifest – cyclists and casual walkers wanting to share the road. Look, every big city has its traffic issues simply because of population, and this will always translate into one simple equation – big city + large population = lots of cars. It’s bad enough that the streets and highways are cramped with large SUV’s, slow elderly folk in Cadillac’s, spoiled brats in Mercedes, and lunatics on motorcycles. So, why do cyclists and people walking around with backpacks and iPod’s think they have a right to enter the equation and pollute the situation even more?

 

Maybe it’s not the cyclist or the walker that annoys me, but rather their attitude when you are minding your own business and drive right by them. I am so sick and tired of the cold, icy stare, as if to say I should just keep in line and continue going at a speed of 12 miles per hour while they peddle frantically in their flashy scuba gear and grab their water bottle and pour it all over themselves, or slam on my brakes with a wave of traffic behind me so they can cross the street 20 seconds sooner. Instead, they would prefer that I swerve into oncoming traffic to pass them or risk getting rear-ended so they can illegally adhere to their precious 4 feet of asphalt.

 

Listen, last I checked I am the one who has the automobile – an automobile that is 10 times bigger than you and can run you over! Now, I’m not saying that I would ever run anyone over with my car, but…..I know that when I am crossing streets or if I am on a bicycle next to a busy road I am always respectful of the almighty car, truck, van, SUV, bus, and semi truck. Its common sense people, streets and roads are for cars, not cyclists and walkers – we have licenses and license plates that allow us to be on them, you don’t! If you want to ride your Cannondale or break in your new pair of Asics then go find a park or trail somewhere in the woods. Odds are you’ll be much safer there and you won’t have to worry about getting a tread mark tattoo if you cross the wrong driver.

 

Again, it’s not the cyclist, the walker, or even the passion for their hobbies that gets under my skin…..it’s the attitude! And, well maybe a little bit of the passion,too. I just don’t understand at what point these people thought to themselves that it would be okay and accepted by motorists to take up a piece of the road or highway, and then throw a little sass if they didn’t get their way. Truth is all you cyclists and walkers, you will never be welcomed on the roads or highways. That’s just the way it is so get over it and get over your attention starved selves. And, if you can’t, then I suggest you pack up your leotards and New Balances and buy a one way ticket to France!

 

Peace, I’m out.

What Are Meat Sweats?

Meat Sweats

By: S. Andrews

I love meat! (Pipe down you immature a-holes, this is not a blog about sexual orientation). However, sometimes I tend to eat way to much during one meal and when this happens a strange phenomenon called the meat sweats occur. You may be asking yourself “What in the heck are meat sweats?” Well I’ll tell you. Meat sweats occur when you eat to much meat and you wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat and you can’t go back to sleep. These are similar to night terrors except you sweat because you ate to much meat not because you are dreaming about your recent shopping experience at Wal-Mart.

Other common symptoms of meat sweats are meat smells, this is when you eat so much meat you start to smell like the meat you ate. For example, if you eat way to much smoked turkey for dinner then you may wake up sweating and smelling like smoked turkey, or perhaps you ate a 20 oz. Porterhouse during a cook out with a group of your closest friends, you may then wake up in a pool of sweat with the pleasant smell of seared steak seasoned with the best spices. People who experience meat sweats should invest in potent detergent in order to combat meat smells in there linens after a severe bout with the meat sweats. For more information on meat sweats please visit meatsweatshelp.org.

What Would I Do With My Bonus Money If I Was An AIG Exec?

Government Bonus Money

By: S. Andrews
First of all I’m going to pretend that my rank in the company is around 10, low enough to not be held accountable for this mess, but high enough to totally reap the rewards of an unjust system. Therefore according to my calculations (which by the way are non-existent and totally random) I’m guessing that I would have received about $25 million. So here are the top 10 investments I would make with my $25 million in AIG bonuses…..(These are rated in no particular order).

10. Star in my own rap video – I’ve always wanted to star in my own Gangsta rap video where I’m the one with the scantily clad ho’s in the hot tub popping bubbly and wiping the sweat off my brow with Benjamins. The video would be about my cold blooded revenge on a rival gang memba who disrespected me by walking past my freshly made gingerbread house and crushed it under his size 10 ½ Timberland boot.

9. Purchase a Tiger – I’m not usually a cat fan, but seriously tigers are freakin cool. They’re like orange zebra’s that look like cats and they can kill you.

8. Start a Club – I would start a Medieval, fantasy role playing club called the Kings Cockles. Where rival groups represent far off distant lands and battle for the crown of Darwitha, a fantasy land inhabited by trolls, gnomes, and dragons which is rich in fertile soil and valuable resources. Of course this is all pretend. But it’s fun to pretend. Yippee!!

7. Install a Gold Toilet in my Bathroom – Nothing says “F-U taxpayers” like buying a solid gold toilet.

6. Purchase a Hybrid – Hey I may be corrupt and greedy but I still care about the environment. And now that Obama and Geitner are back pedaling to re-coop this money, I need to invest in items that will allow me to take advantage of tax write off’s.

5. Purchase a Delorean – I saw a guy driving one of these the other day and I forgot they existed. Now I have a sudden urge to rent the Back to the Future series. I think it would be cool to dress up like Doc Brown and roll up to the ladies and drop lines like “Hey baby do you want to see my flux capacitor?” or “Hey sweet thang can I give you a jiggawatt massage?”

4. Rent out a Pirate Ship for the weekend – How cool would it be to go deep sea fishing on a pirate ship with all your friends and a bunch of beer. I think while I had the Pirate Ship I would try and make another rap video about pirates. I’ve never seen this before and I think it would be a big hit!

3. Purchase Billboard Space – What better way to say thanks to our government than to purchase billboard space in D.C. with a picture of me taking a bath in $100 dolla dolla billz ya’ll.

2. Gamble – I would gamble the hell out of some of my bonus money. I love craps and I loveth the Vegas!

1. Buy a Katana – No not the crotch rocket motorcycle, I’m talking about the Japanese weapon of choice…..The Katana. A blade of honor and glory and is so sharp you can chop up just about anything. You can also deflect bullets with a Katana. People in movies do it all the time. Screw Ginsu knives, give me a katana.

WHAT IF THE DUGGAR FAMILY HAD 10 MORE KIDS?

by: S. Andrews
Unless you’ve lived under a rock over the past year you have probably more than likely seen a clip of the Duggar Family (if not the whole show) on TLC called ‘17 Kids and Counting’….or is it ‘18 Kids and Counting’? Since Jim Bob Duggar a.k.a. The Vagina Whisperer seems to impregnate his wife with just a twitch of the hand these days I would put good money down in Vegas that Michelle Duggar has a fantastic chance of having 10 more kids. Therefore, we at Stupid Answers to Great Questions looked into the future through our crystal ball and asked the question “If the Duggars were to have 10 more kids, and knowing that their names would have to start with the letter J (a Duggar family tradition) what would be the top 10 J names the Duggars would use for their bundles of joy? So here we go….

10.  Jif – After spending thousands of dollars a year on peanut butter expenses the Duggar family sold the naming rights for  the birth of their 19^th child. The deal includes a lifetime supply of Jif Peanut Butter (Salmonella free of course) for the entire family.

9.  Jamocha – When you have 20 kids it’s the simple things in life that seem to be a treat. In celebration of #20 Jim Bob and Michelle left it up to the family to vote for this name. It was no surprise that Jamocha won out since it’s this family’s favorite frosty dessert…..Well that and raw squirrel.

8.  Jun Tao – After the 20^th child Jim Bob and Michelle’s DNA ran out of White Anglo Saxon genetic combinations. Therefore the next best thing their chromosomes could come up with was an Asian baby. The birth of Jun Tao headlined as the first true story in the popular supermarket   tabloid ‘Weekly World News’ – “The Duggars Give Birth to Asian Baby….Michelle says it’s Jim Bob’s”

7.  Jamberbot – It seems as though kid #21 really did a number on Michelle’s birthing parts seeing as Jun Tao was holding a Samurai sword as he exited the womb. So the happy Duggar couple had to take the year off. However, in order to make up their annual kid quota, Jim Bob thought it would be a good idea to build a robot child called Jamberbot. Jamberbot was made out of old farm tools, some parts from a 1991 Dodge minivan and a tea kettle. During the project they actually programmed a set of specific skills for Jamberbot which includes knitting flannel shirts. This cuts the Duggar family clothing costs by 50%.

6.  Jubilee – What is a huge family in Arkansas without a little girl named Jubilee? One of Michelle Duggar’s favorite hobbies is to bake, unfortunately her knack for naming her tasty treats isn’t as good as her knack for the actual baking. Apparently when it comes to dessert at the dinner table   everything ends with jubilee. “I like it when mommy makes cherry jubilee” quipped Jedidiah Duggar as he widdled a wooden rubber ducky out of a piece Arkansas Birchwood. “No, No, Jed Mom’s Chocolate jubilee is much better” – retorted Jana Duggar who was rated #1 on baptistbabes.com’s most hottest Baptist babe in Arkansas list 2008. Therefore it was only fitting that the next little girl in the family be named Jubilee.

5. Jahosaphat – Don’t tell anyone but the Duggar’s like to get together on Friday night’s and play Scrabble. Like most Scrabble games there is often a theme that is connected with that particular night’s game. For example one popular theme is often barnyard animals or favorite brands of tractors. However, after 10 years of Friday Night Scrabble the themes started to wear thin.  So I guess they thought it would be fun to play an all American game of ebonics Scrabble. To make the long story short Jim Bob declared that the next ebonic phonic thrown down would be their next child’s name. Before you knew it, little Joshua Duggar threw down Jahosophat while screaming out “Get it!!!….it sounds like I’m saying your ho is so phat….phat with a p not an f”. After a deafening collective chuckle from the entire family it was settled #23 was Jahosaphat Moses Duggar.

4.  Jalapeno’ – After the birth of Jahosaphat it was time for Michelle and Jim Bob to take a nice little vacation. Destination: Tijuana, Mexico. After a few fun filled days in the hot Mexican sun and a ½ a virgin margarita split between the 2 of them, nine months later Jalapeno’ Maria Duggar entered into this world at a whopping 10 lbs. 2 oz.

3.  Jordache – Since Jamberbot, the Duggar robot child, was cranking out enough flannel’s to supply all the Wal-Mart’s in the Midwest, Jim Bob, the family’s Director of Marketing, decided to pen a naming rights deal with Jordache jeans. The deal was structured much like the Jif   peanut butter sponsorship. Welcome to Earth Jordache Walton Duggar!

2.  Jethro – It seems that Jim Bob fell off the wagon for a brief period and went through a little “phase” where he denounced Evangelical Christianity for a brief period and grew out his hair, wore vintage 80’s rock T-shirt’s with cut off sleeves, started listening to Classic Rock and frequently drank 6 packs of PBR. During one Saturday night while playing a Jethro Tull vinyl backwards Jim Bob claims he heard a message from God that said “Jim Bob….this is God….unto you this day a child will be born…..you shall wrap this child in flannel and denim and he shall be called Jethro…..because Jethro Tull is my favorite band….seriously they freakin rock!” Even though Michelle and the rest of the family were totally opposed to the name how were they going to argue with God. After his brush with the Almighty Jim Bob quickly went back to preaching the gospel, wearing flannel shirts with khaki pants and listening to Barber Shop Quartets singing praise songs.

1.  J.- It was bound to happen. Eventually they would run out of J names.

DO BARKING SPIDERS REALLY EXIST?

Barking Spider

By: Rooney
The ever elusive barking spider first reared its nauseating head somewhere in the early 1970’s in the backwoods of Southeast Mississippi. The highly decorated gastroentimologist Dr. Charles “Chucky” Brownfinger discovered the barking spider early one evening just after a second helping of his half sisters famous Sloppy Joe’s. Out of nowhere they heard a low, abbreviated rumbling noise echo through the kitchen that resembled the sound of an old Harley Davidson screaming down the interstate with no exhaust. It was startling to say the least, but not near as startling as the aroma that quickly followed. Red cheeked and visibly in denial, Chucky Brownfinger pointed to the corner of the kitchen and yelled “Spider! Big bbbbarking spider! Get the broom, Jezabelle!” Unfortunately, they searched the kitchen over with no success of unveiling this newly discovered “Barking Spider”. Thus, the investigation and research began by Dr. Brownfinger and a few of his colleagues from Browning University.

Over time, Brownfinger concurred that the Barking Spider (genus Flatulous Arachnidius) was indigenous of moist, warm crevices and resided mostly in dark spaces such as couch cushions, Dutch ovens, campgrounds, cubicles, back seats of automobiles, and Mexican restaurants all across America. He also discovered that, while reclusive and shy, Barking Spider’s also like to “rev their tail pipes” at various social scenes throughout the nation, such as birthday parties, weddings, Cinco de Mayo, and most commonly Sunday brunch. Also worth noting, the Barking Spider has a brain the size of a pin head and a stomach the size of a pencil eraser, with legs no longer than that of an eyelash – this, of course, all according to Dr. Brownfinger’s thesis.

To date, no one has ever seen a barking spider, but only smelled their presence. Dr. Chucky Brownfinger remains adamant in his search to catch the elusive Barking Spider, revealing that the closest he ever came to catching a Barking Spider was 3 years ago at a friendly late night poker game with a few of his cronies. Not to be deterred, his quest remains strong and steadfast, with hopes that one day he will be able to befriend his highly elusive scapegoat. Until then, he urges to keep your eyes peeled and your nostrils stout, because that next taco night you get invited to could very well be the first ever unmasking of the mysterious and mythical Barking Spider.

CAN WE PREDICT HOW PROTEINS WILL FOLD?

by: S. Andrews
Ahh the wonderful world of proteins. The complex building blocks of the human body that give each and every one of us our distinct original features. Made up of essential chemicals and amino acids, proteins are responsible for giving each of us our own unique identity.  Much has been discovered when it comes to proteins, however the world of proteins is still a complex universe filled with fascinating mystery. One mystery that still allures today’s scientific mind is predicting how proteins will fold.

Typically this question would be answered with a complex explanation filled with crazy words like DNA, tRNA, adenine, guanine, macromolecules, and globular. However, the answer is much easier to disseminate than what the Harvard graduate would like you to believe.

YES…we can predict how proteins will fold. “How you ask?” well it’s really quite simple. What many people don’t know is that proteins love to play poker. Yes poker. Texas Hold em, 5 card, Omaha, Stud, and even Indian poker. However, just because proteins like to play poker doesn’t mean they’re any good at it. In fact they are horrible because it’s so easy to predict when that cocky little protein bastard will fold its hand.  There are many ways to tell if a protein will fold but my favorite is when their chemical bonds start to unravel, then they get really nervous…..poop  peptides and throw their cards away. Other proteins before they fold start secreting globular’s all over the table……it’s really a huge mess.

So the next time you’re playing poker with a group of those obnoxious amino acids, and they start quivering, unraveling or pooping peptides then you know they don’t have a hand and you can go all in.

WHY ISN’T KANSAS CITY IN KANSAS?

Kansas City is so confusing

Truth is the area that is known as Kansas City is actually located in Missouri just over the Kansas & Missouri border. What many people don’t know is that Kansas City used to be known as Missouri City and was the popular hangout for Judy Garland and crew during filming of “The Wizard of Oz”. To escape the trenches of movie making, Garland and the rest of the cast would take a short drive over the state line to enjoy a few screwdrivers at the now famous restaurant and bar called “The Flying Monkey”. You talk to any elderly local from present day Kansas City and they’ll tell you all kinds of stories about Ms. Garland and her tirades about the small town. It was said that at one point Garland and the cast came to the restaurant an astonishing 47 days in a row. You could build a house in a week with all those screwdrivers!!!

Anywho, during filming Garland became so attached to “The Flying Monkey” that one night she told the owner she would figure out some way to write his restaurant into the script of the movie. The writers and the producer struggled with how they could conveniently fit a restaurant just off the yellow brick road. It’s strange enough that Dorothy was hanging out with a scarecrow, tin man, and a lion, and it would have just gone overboard if they plopped a restaurant into the story. But, Garland was a woman of her word, and she was determined to keep her promise.

While filming the scene where Dorothy and her stupid, heartless, and scared buddies are pouncing through the poppy fields on their way to the emerald city of Oz, Judy decided to sniff on some poppy flowers in between takes. Judy became so delusional that she ultimately lost her mind and started shouting for help because she thought she was being chased by, you guessed it, flying monkeys. As unfortunate as this episode became, a light bulb went off in the producers mind to script flying monkeys as the evil pet of the Wicked Witch of the West. Such genius, I know……

The film was released 7 months after Ms. Garland’s poppy debacle. The film received rave reviews and was the talk of every town, especially in Missouri City among the regulars at “The Flying Monkey”. The owner of the restaurant was so proud to have been a part of the film and was truly grateful for his friendship with Judy Garland. He was so grateful that he ultimately felt burdened to repay her for being such a faithful friend.

Well, as luck would have it, it turned out the owner’s brother just so happened to be the Governor of Missouri. So, he went to his brother and asked him to rename Missouri City to Kansas City on behalf of Ms. Garland and the cast of “The Wizard of Oz”. When asked, the brother questioned “Why should I name it Kansas City?” Without hesitation, the owner replied “Because in the movie she was from Kansas. Outside of the film, her home was at The Flying Monkey. She said many times that there is no place like home, and I want Ms. Garland to feel as if she were in Kansas every time she visits The Flying Monkey.” The Governor understood the relationship between Ms. Garland and his brother, so he granted the change of name from Missouri City to Kansas City, the second home of Judy Garland and Dorothy.

The Flying Monkey still exists today, and it welcomes Judy Garland and “The Wizard of Oz” fans from all over the world. Their number one selling food item is the Rainbow Burger with the Ruby Red potato wedges. They also sell quite a few Dorothy Dogs and Auntie Em Omelet’s. Undoubtedly, the best selling drink is their Judy Garland Screwdriver, complete with an extra shot of vodka and a poppy seed topping. A couple glasses of this famous Flying Monkey concoction proves there really is “no place like home”……Kansas City to be exact.

WHY DO ALASKAN CRUISES INTRIGUE PEOPLE?

By: Rooney
This question has plagued me for quite some time now. I think about all the interesting places for a weekend getaway or a long vacation that people have to choose from – hiking through the Grand Canyon, skiing in the Rocky Mountains, lounging on a beach in the Caribbean, losing your entire life savings in Vegas. So, why in the hell does anyone want to go on an Alaskan cruise?

Last I checked you don’t want to be on a large vessel close to falling ice and mountainous glaciers. Am I right? I think back through history to a particular cruise ship – the S.S. Titanic. What a grand ship she was. The Titanic was the largest and fastest cruise liner of her time, and her creators guaranteed her to be indestructible. But, we all know the fate of the Titanic and how she sank to darkest depths of the ocean thanks to a bumbling piece of ice that rested so elegantly in her sea path. And, since that dreadful accident occurred, you would think that no one would ever want to be around floating glaciers in a boat of any size ever again. It’s just too risky, dammit!

Now, as I lay around after a long day at work and stare at the television before me, I often see advertisements for week long Alaskan cruises and think to myself “Who in their right mind would want to go navigating around Alaskan shores for a week?” I mean, what is so interesting about being on a boat surrounded by snow and ice falling into the water right outside your cabin? That would scare the crap out of me. I would literally run out of underwear in 2 days. But, the ads typically show some old couple in their London Fog jackets cuddling on their balcony suspended over the frigid water laughing and smiling at large chunks of ice “gracefully” falling into the water. I’m here to tell you, there is nothing about that advertisement that makes me want to dial up my travel agent the next morning and book an Alaskan cruise. The only thing that ad makes me want to do is slap old people that take cruises for fun.

My message is this – taking an Alaskan cruise is about as smart as breathing water. Think before you act and plan a trip to somewhere cold and deadly. There are many inviting and exotic locales that will soothe your soul much greater than a cruise through Alaska’s liquid terrain peppered with buried mines of ice. Most importantly, don’t hang out with old people, because you never know what kind of predicament they might get you into. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be paddling around through icy waters in an inflatable raft, would you?

Alaskan Cruises Suck!

WHAT ARE QUASARS?

By: S. Andrews
First of all any idiot knows that a quasar  (pronounced: kwā-zär ) according to Webster.com, is any of a class of celestial objects that resemble stars but whose large redshift and apparent brightness imply extreme distance and huge energy output.  Come on man…this is common knowledge that is taught in America’s flourishing public school system.

Before a factual and accurate definition of quasar can be discovered we must first explore the word by dissecting it into two distinct pieces….or parts for the lay person. First we must explore the word qua (pronounced: kwā ) which sounds somewhat similar to the word quatro which in Spanish means four or again for the amateur language artist THE NUMBER 4. Therefore qua in this sense of the word means 4 of something, but exactly what is something?

Next we need to investigate the word sar (pronounced: zär ) which sounds like czar means a Russian King or ruler of Russia not a ruler in Russia that you would use to measure a Russian bear or an AK-47 machine gun but a person who is control of Russia….you know his majesty the Russian Czar….or “I will do as you wish my Czar (King)”.

Therefore if we combine the two words qua and sar we come up with quasar which means a group of 4 little Russian Kings. Why are they little do you ask? Well little sounds better than just 4 Russian Kings so if you don’t like it than come up with your own post you bastard. To close, quasar is the term used when there are groups of 4 little Russian Kings running around Moscow trying to get the likes of Vladimir Putin and other heads of the Russian Parliament to do as they please. For example quasars have recently lobbied for their country to place them back upon the throne for years. In a recent article of Quasars Weekly – a monthly periodical of ruling instructions for groups of 4 small Russian Kings Nicholas II was quoted as saying (note: Please read with Russian accent) “If that winch Elizabeth from England and her pissy little grandsons William and Harry get all that attention, why can’t we implement the same system here in our great land of Russia…..I will brrrrreak them?”

Watch out for Quasar's

IS THERE LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS?

By: Dickey T
From the earliest recorded records to the first STS-1 space launch on April 12, 1981, to current day; people have asked this age old question.  Biologists argue that there are microorganisms in some godforsaken distant corner of the universe.  Crazy ass religious sects want to jump on the next comet passing by and then there is the lunatic that is always filming a blurry dot off in the distance.  You know the ones with the tie dye shirt, long, mangled hair, thick framed glasses, also sporting the cargo shorts and black socks with some 80’s Teva’s.  Well all those people are full of crap.

 

The answer is NO people.  There is no shiny fingered, bike flying alien. There are no hot babes from Mars.  And there is no huge rotating saucer that is going to probe every orifice of your nether regions. However, there is a Locnesse Monster, and I’ll punch you in the face if you don’t think there is!!  Go ahead try me.